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This week's Sunday Confession's prompt is IN THE CAR

This is a pretty big confession for me. Not my best look...

My biggest in the car confession is enough to make Daffy Duck spit all over the place trying to say the word Despicable. My driving is so bad, I use it as an argument that God does in fact exist because divine intervention is the ONLY logical explanation to the fact that the kids and I are still alive, despite my Mario Andretti Kamikaze Pilot driving. I'm also amazed I don't have a freak amount of sobriety testing under my belt.

I get it from my mother. It's really bad when I'm following her somewhere. I feel like the song Who Let the Dogs Out remixed with Move Bitch Get out the Way. It's like we are a posse of bad driving owning the road and some of the grass alongside of it. The other cars literally jump out of the way like the grasshoppers when a foot hits the field.

To make this confession worse, as much as I know I'm a bad driver, I still bitch about other people's driving.

Factors to my driving experience:

1. The kids
2. The kids
3. Random Ice cream cone launched at my head
4. The kids
5. I was talking to someone next to me
6. My exboyfriend Todd (I can't drive if he's in the car at all)
7. The kids

I drive better and worse when I'm pissed off. And that is the real confession. When I'm pissed, I'm in better control of the vehicle paying much better attention to the road. I'm like Jason Bourne with my driving observations. I notice every bird and butterfly, and I can tell you how many cars are behind me without looking because i just passed them. But I seem to have no value for human life when I'm pissed off behind the wheel. All the sudden, we are not humans but robots in a video game. I know I do this. I've been controlling it much better, but there are moments...

At my worst, years ago, my friend and I were arguing about a misplaced comma in her paper while I was driving. My driving got considerably faster and more intentional, and when I pulled up to her house where my other car was sitting in her driveway that she was borrowing since I had two cars and was single, I intentionally hit my car with my car.

Fast forward a few years, we are driving home from the club at like 3AM. I'm giving some random guy a ride home. My friend is bitching about my driving swearing it will attract cops (she gets pulled over more than I do mind you), and it was a big, life threatening deal because the asshole I was giving a ride to had cocaine on him. So my friend is yelling at me, "We are all going to jail because you can't implement a left hand turn," and I'm like, "No because the douche in the back seat had to bring cocaine in my car," my friend was like, "It wouldn't be a big deal if you knew how to drive," and I'm like, "If he could sell the shit right he wouldn't be bumming a ride in the first place." I got so pissed off I rammed the car into someone's lawn and parked it. Took the keys and walked away from it all.

Now that I'm a mother of children, I've grown up a lot. I have calmed down dramatically compared to my old days; however, I still have my moments. One day people kept repeatedly pulling out in front of me and then went no where. That pisses me off. People in a hurry to pull out in front of you and then drop you 20 mph slower than what you were going. Like if you aren't in any hurry, then wait for me before hitting the road. Well enough did that in such a short period of time, I started passing them. I drove like I was in Puerto Rico aka Grand Theft Auto. I passed them on the sidewalk to the right. On the median to the left. It wasn't that dangerous because not one of them was going over 15 mph. But it is still unusual driving on my part.

Now the one that pisses me off the most is when I'm trying to drive, and the kids are acting a fool, and I pull over obviously on the brink of losing my shit entirely, on the brink of falling into the fetal position in tears because my kids are being a-holes, and I pull over to regulate, and some ass behind me has to honk and flip me off. This is the moment where if I had a gun, I'd use it to shoot out their tires. All Jose Wales like. I'd spit their way too. Fuckers. And they'd deserve it. Period. Never provoke a pissed off deranged mother ready to spank her children. That's like trying to french kiss a rabid dog.

The other one that pisses me off: the parking lot after school picking up the kids. That is a place where we are dependent on people letting our ass through. Because of that, we all generally let each other through like it's a way of life, but those days those bitch moms avoid eye contact so as to scoot right on up in line and not let you through, get me 3 of those in a row, and I weave around the parking lot to get 3 cars in front of the first one, and I break in the line like I'm in Boston, and then I stop and let everyone trying to get through through. I even motion them to come over. I make those bitches wait for it. If you want to be a douche canoe, I will row you up shit creek and take your paddle.

So yeah, my Sunday driving confession, in the car, I'm a total bitch. I beg people not to piss me off behind the wheel. Please don't provoke the Hulk. You just make me turn into a big green monster who's driving will not only make drunk people appear sober, it will scare them into sobriety. I have literally seen people go from angry to scared with my driving, whether they are a passenger in my car or a driver driving near me. Occasionally they are a pedestrian. The car is a weapon of mass destruction, and I hate using mine as a weapon, but when the bitch switch is flipped, run.

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