My Excellent Adventure

IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME...

If I could go back in time, I'm not sure when I'd go. I mean the question I'd have is how much time do I get? and I do get to go back to the future right? I probably wouldn't go because with my luck, the Flux Capacitor would blow and I'd run out of Plutonium and there would be no Doc to help me play with electrical storms and steam engines.

But if I could go back in time for only a moment, where I'm guaranteed a trip back to my present future, and where space doesn't matter like I don't have to worry about getting plane tickets overseas... I'd go see Beethoven's 9th Symphony's first performance. I'd sneak some pictures too. Then I'd ask Ludwig to autograph my bosoms. How do you write, "Will you please autograph my cleavage?" in old school German?

Then I'd take my telephone booth time machine and dial the number to get to see the pyramids being built, so that way I can tell you if aliens helped or not. Excellent.

Then I'd go see Jesus be born. I'd blend in with the sheep and probably hook up with a shepherd. Get it. Hook up. Shepherd's hook... Eh. I'm still punny like it or not. Bodacious. Anyway, I'd probably resist temptation to visit the crucifixion on account I would beat up some most heinous guards and be crucified myself, but I would visit the Resurrection and ask my questions from this blog post (while also pointing out brown hair is hot, and if he wanted to keep his hottie brown locks in heaven, his dad probably could make that happen, and it would be most excellent). At some point in the future, I'd write a blog post about whether or not Jesus is white or black, with a pic of the selfie I take with him.

Then I'd go see Noah Webster in Connecticut. And then John Webster. He's a relative.

Then I'd go visit Martin Luther King's I have a Dream Speech. Yes way. I'd follow that with Martin Luther's nailing the theses to the door. In both cases, I'd sneak pictures and then tell you all it was photoshopped with words like Occupy Catholicism and Occupy White People.

I'd interview people after the War of 1812 about what was victory, defeat, stalemate, and what not so we can stop arguing with the Brits about that.

I might go back in time to Adam and Eve just to try the fruit myself. Might as well. Right?

After I was finished visiting all the points in history my little mind could create that wouldn't change the course of history too much and wouldn't kill me in the process (like freeing Jews during the Holocaust would probably get me killed in the most odious of ways), I would finally go visit the me in high school.

Now here's the problem. Talking to myself would probably change the course of my history. So I would have to avoid me. There are things I might want to change, but I have that power NOW to change it. I don't need to go back in time for that, and I'd fear I wouldn't have my children waiting on me in the future if I did that.

But I would talk to my parents then. Then when my father was still alive. Then when my mother was happy. And I would probably play Euchre with them whilst eating large quantities of red pistachio nuts and discussing things. Lots of things. Dude it would be most excellent.

Update: Now that I read this amazing blog post about what this amazing dad would do with his time to go back into time, I have things to add that I'd visit...

Terry Bradshaw and the 1970's Steelers. I'd get autographs of things to later sell on ebay.

My kids as babies. Just to hold them for a while as babies again and give my former self a break. I'd be like, "go ahead, take a nap lady. I got this, by the way nice ass."

My own birth. I don't know why I want to see that sort of thing, but it sounds fun. See my parents as newbs, lost and insecure, and stuff. And maybe hold myself. Then I'd drop me on my head and be like, "Well that explains everything."

Get more Finish the Sentence Friday at Real Life Parenting. 

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Blogs who I think sent me traffic to my blog that you should check out if you haven't...  I do read all of these blogs regularly.

The Bloggess

Insane in the Mom Brain

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Finding Ninee

Ooops I Said Vagina Again

Janine's Confessions of a Mommyaholic