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Crumpets and Bollocks: Penis Envy is NOT for the Boobs.

Penis Envy is NOT for the Boobs.

I posted two blog posts today which is weird for me, but I'm not pimping the other one. I wrote about the lice situation in my house and wanted to provide something for Google with GOOD advice that actually worked. But the real post is about shit on my mind, and that's What If Wednesday because I really don't care what I write about I just want to sip my red juice and write something.

So, my first What If Wednesday prompt that I have to spend less than 10 minutes writing is,



What if I were the opposite sex?

Actually I had a dream I had a penis and was an actual dude. It was the best dream ever.

First I had this extra appendage I wasn't sure what to do with, but I really really REALLY wanted to put it in a hole so bad, and poke things. And the first thing I saw was a blond woman bending over, so of course... Doggy style was my first sexual position as a man.

I can totally understand why they like it so much.

Then I just kept bumping into random woman and engaging in sexual congress like dogs sniff each other's butts to say hi.

At this point, I should describe the male orgasm. It was like a female one that isn't a good one. Not like the toe curling, tears forming, drool on yourself, butt cheeks quiver like a stripper orgasm we get sometimes. No more like the kind you'd get masturbating real quick, so now you're like, "That's not that great." No it is because then you get this sensation that you pissed yourself while having the orgasm, but not like pee yourself pee yourself, like peeing yourself out of a different hole. Now that's just neat.

No I didn't pee the bed when I had this dream. I haven't done that since I was drunk years old.

I've asked several men if that's a good description and I got a yes from one and a no from another. It sounds to me the female orgasm is more of an imploding sensation and the male one is more of an exploding sensation, and I'm starting to wonder about the Big Bang theory because that's what a male orgasm sounds like, a Big Bang, so maybe God did make us after all.

So then, at one point in the dream, I did have to pee. I was searching for the facilities for a long minute before I realized, "Hey I'm a dude now, I can pee wherever I feel like peeing," so I peed in a bush. Standing up. It was so cool. I did shake it thrice when I was finished. There was no awesome sensation while peeing except that I was standing up and free like a wild beast.

Then it hit me like a dirty diaper to the face. I need to get a blow job before I wake up. Men are so obsessed with those things. What is so awesome about a blow job?

So I woke up trying to find a blow job. I guess some things were meant to be a mystery. I also frantically grabbed for my breasts and what a relief that was to feel that they were still there.

But if I were a man, I'd be an ass man (I know? Right? Over boobs? Really?), prefer blonds over brunettes (which is so hypocritical of me considering I'm a brunette), and I'd have the perfect penis... 11 inches with a slight curvature in the upward direction. Ok, my girth wasn't what I wanted in the dream but in real life I'm sure I'd have girth. Of course, I have no idea what I looked like in the dream. I focused on the important things. My guess though is I looked a lot like Loki because I was getting laid a lot... A LOT. I was a total slut.




If for whatever reason you misspelled writing your name in the snow with your urine and like my blog, you know, you can subscribe to it.

Enter your email address:


Delivered by FeedBurner

You can also find me under these rocks...
Follow on Bloglovin Find me on Facebook Find me on Twitter Find me on Pinterest find me on youtube Find me on Feedburner 


Blogs who I think sent me traffic to my blog that you should check out if you haven't...  I do read all of these blogs regularly.

The Bloggess

Insane in the Mom Brain

More than Cheese and Beer

Finding Ninee

Ooops I Said Vagina Again

Janine's Confessions of a Mommyaholic

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Crumpets and Bollocks: Penis Envy is NOT for the Boobs.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Penis Envy is NOT for the Boobs.

I posted two blog posts today which is weird for me, but I'm not pimping the other one. I wrote about the lice situation in my house and wanted to provide something for Google with GOOD advice that actually worked. But the real post is about shit on my mind, and that's What If Wednesday because I really don't care what I write about I just want to sip my red juice and write something.

So, my first What If Wednesday prompt that I have to spend less than 10 minutes writing is,



What if I were the opposite sex?

Actually I had a dream I had a penis and was an actual dude. It was the best dream ever.

First I had this extra appendage I wasn't sure what to do with, but I really really REALLY wanted to put it in a hole so bad, and poke things. And the first thing I saw was a blond woman bending over, so of course... Doggy style was my first sexual position as a man.

I can totally understand why they like it so much.

Then I just kept bumping into random woman and engaging in sexual congress like dogs sniff each other's butts to say hi.

At this point, I should describe the male orgasm. It was like a female one that isn't a good one. Not like the toe curling, tears forming, drool on yourself, butt cheeks quiver like a stripper orgasm we get sometimes. No more like the kind you'd get masturbating real quick, so now you're like, "That's not that great." No it is because then you get this sensation that you pissed yourself while having the orgasm, but not like pee yourself pee yourself, like peeing yourself out of a different hole. Now that's just neat.

No I didn't pee the bed when I had this dream. I haven't done that since I was drunk years old.

I've asked several men if that's a good description and I got a yes from one and a no from another. It sounds to me the female orgasm is more of an imploding sensation and the male one is more of an exploding sensation, and I'm starting to wonder about the Big Bang theory because that's what a male orgasm sounds like, a Big Bang, so maybe God did make us after all.

So then, at one point in the dream, I did have to pee. I was searching for the facilities for a long minute before I realized, "Hey I'm a dude now, I can pee wherever I feel like peeing," so I peed in a bush. Standing up. It was so cool. I did shake it thrice when I was finished. There was no awesome sensation while peeing except that I was standing up and free like a wild beast.

Then it hit me like a dirty diaper to the face. I need to get a blow job before I wake up. Men are so obsessed with those things. What is so awesome about a blow job?

So I woke up trying to find a blow job. I guess some things were meant to be a mystery. I also frantically grabbed for my breasts and what a relief that was to feel that they were still there.

But if I were a man, I'd be an ass man (I know? Right? Over boobs? Really?), prefer blonds over brunettes (which is so hypocritical of me considering I'm a brunette), and I'd have the perfect penis... 11 inches with a slight curvature in the upward direction. Ok, my girth wasn't what I wanted in the dream but in real life I'm sure I'd have girth. Of course, I have no idea what I looked like in the dream. I focused on the important things. My guess though is I looked a lot like Loki because I was getting laid a lot... A LOT. I was a total slut.




If for whatever reason you misspelled writing your name in the snow with your urine and like my blog, you know, you can subscribe to it.

Enter your email address:


Delivered by FeedBurner

You can also find me under these rocks...
Follow on Bloglovin Find me on Facebook Find me on Twitter Find me on Pinterest find me on youtube Find me on Feedburner 


Blogs who I think sent me traffic to my blog that you should check out if you haven't...  I do read all of these blogs regularly.

The Bloggess

Insane in the Mom Brain

More than Cheese and Beer

Finding Ninee

Ooops I Said Vagina Again

Janine's Confessions of a Mommyaholic

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