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The best decision I ever made was also the worst decision I ever made. This is a two part decision.

I decided to join the military.

I don't really know what I was thinking when I joined, like I'm pretty sure I joined because my father wanted me to at some point before he died, and I have a super shrinkological urge to make him proud of me, the rainbow I have been chasing since his death. You can't change the past with the present. You can't impress a ghost. But I try because I'm irrational and crazy. Shut up and let me have this.

I chose the Air Force because an Army friend explained to me that the Army wasn't really equipped for females and the Air Force gets more funding for better housing. I know, not the best reason to join a specific branch in particular.

But it was a good decision because it brought me confidence and taught me teamwork. I seem to only be a disciplined person while in the military, like out of the military, the discipline disappeared. But the whole ordeal was such a character building moment I would never want to take it away from my life experiences.

I dropped and gave that guy 20 so many times because my mouth won't shut up...

It was a bad decision because I was raped by a Staff Sgt. That rape ~~fucked me up~~ has changed me indefinitely, and it haunts me to this day. If I could remove that blip from my past, I would be tempted, but it would risk screwing up the second part of the military decision...

Before the military, I was one of those "career" gals who was never going to settle down and have a family. I didn't really feel any biological clock ticking because all my friends had kids young, and I helped them. Their kids were like my kids. I didn't need kids of my own. Until I joined the military...

I remember toward the end of basic training, my TI's family came to visit him. His 5 year old daughter ran across the pavement through the troops standing in formation to reach her daddy. He caught her with open arms and picked her up and just hugged her for a few minutes. That. That is what triggered the first Tick Tock. The biological clock was no longer broken.

As I stood in formation, maintaining military bearing, I yearned for a family all the sudden out of no where. I wanted kids of my own for the first time in my life. I really wanted it like I want a drink of water after a 3 mile run. I felt so alone in this world that I needed a family. I had no idea how alone I was until that moment.

So from there, every man I dated was a potential father like I was Kirstie Alley in Look Who's Talking. I imagined my dates 10 years from now taking care of children. I totally forgot to imagine them taking care of me, thanks Kirstie for forgetting that one because now I'm kind of screwed. Anyway, I found a guy who would do and I said I do. And he did too. One fish, two fish, three fish, blue.

We got married a couple months after my rape, and I honestly think the rape somehow made me fertile. It's a long weird girly story that involves TMI more TMI than I get, so we'll just skip to the part where I say most importantly, rape made me crazy enough to settle down. While I have a million and one things to bitch about my husband, he is a great man. And I don't think I would have married him if the sexual rug wasn't pulled out from under me.

Maybe this is what I need to remember in the healing process. There is always opportunity in adversity, and I'm one to naturally take advantage of it. I take advantage of it so naturally, I don't even realize I'm doing it. And maybe focusing on the good things that resulted because of it is what I need to get over it and move forward. To...

My kids are so into this movie and now, duh duh dummmm, soundtrack in the car, while driving, everywhere. Love is an open Doh ohr oor. Ugh. And the more I watch this movie, and listen to the songs, the more I'm convinced that it was really about PTSD.

Anyway...

My decision to join the military made me a stronger person, one who can handle trauma the military gave me despite the crazy that ails me resulting from it. It gave me confidence. A thick skin. It made me grow up. Most importantly, not only did I lose myself there, I also found myself there, and I found my family.

Because Love is an open Doh ohhh ooorrr.

Fucking Disney is deep when you realize it. The open door. Duh. She wanted her sister to open that door. It just hit me. This keeps happening. I was wondering why they would say love is an open door, like who comes up with that?

Read more Finish the Sentence Friday stuff here.

If for whatever reason you already changed the lyrics to the Frozen songs to something inappropriate like Love is an open ho oh ore, and you like my blog, you know, you can subscribe to it.

You can also find me under these rocks...