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Crumpets and Bollocks: Things I would Ask Jesus

Things I would Ask Jesus


I posted this on my Facebook with a long description I realized could be a blog post, so I'm posting it here for two reasons.

1. It's worthy of bookmarking to come back to in the future.
2. I linked someone to my blog, and I don't want the first article they see to be about how I dreamt I had a penis once. Not my best look.

So who I would I sit with on a bench and chat for an hour. Anyone from past or present. Who would it be?

I know you are all thinking, "She'd so pick her dad," and while I'd love to chat with my father (may he rest in peace) on that bench, as well as my mother (she's more fun, sorry dad, but she'd bring cocktails, and she's alive and well), I would have to say Jesus. Not Rafael's cousin, Hey Zeus, no, the one who's mom was a virgin. Wait, all moms were a virgin once. You know which Jesus I mean. Jee Zuss. That Jesus.

And questions I'd ask where I can hear the answers and there's no confusing things... 

1. Is Mary Magdalene your baby's mama? The world is freaking out about it ever since Tom Hanks. 

2. Do you and God get into arguments? If so, about what? 

3. Why on earth would you want to forgive all of us? Like what gave you the idea for Grace?

I am starting to sound like Oprah and Barbara Walters. Maybe I do have a future in television show hosting...

4. Why did your dad make us? 

5. How old is the earth? 

6. Did your dad make dinosaurs? 

7. Do you happen to have an Uncle Gosh? 

8. How do you feel about homosexuals? I might charge people to hear your answer on this one is that OK? 

9. Where am I going when I die? 

10. Where do atheists go when they die? This is important. I love some atheists and I haven't been reaming them about their soul yet. Should I be? 

11. Where is Westboro going when they die? 

12. Why do males have nipples? 

Even male dogs have nipples. That is truly one of the most mysterious things about the universe. Did they use to have babies? Or were they made in a woman's image? And if men were made first, while I know babies gender are formed at conception, they all still start off with female sex organs and males organs form from the chemical stimulation of the female organs, so men were made in our image were they not? And that's why they have nipples isn't it? Why does the Bible spin this to the man's favor like they were first when Eve plainly means BEFORE? 

13. Is there a way to reduce the pain of period cramps and child birth naturally? Like what do we women have to do to make up for Eve? Is there a correlation between Eve's fruit picking and the fact that women make more pies than men?

14. Why did the fallen fall? Do you still love them? Will there be redemption for them some day? This is actually the one I am most curious about besides the males having nipples.

I got more but this is long I'm done. I only get an hour, so I think I covered the important ones.

On the serious, I'd love to get into a discussion about Love and Eternity, and there'd be a lot of me kissing his scars and hugging him. An hour would not be enough.

If for whatever reason you never wondered about nipples on males and like my blog, you know, you can subscribe to it.

Enter your email address:


Delivered by FeedBurner

You can also find me under these rocks...
Follow on Bloglovin Find me on Facebook Find me on Twitter Find me on Pinterest find me on youtube Find me on Feedburner 


Blogs who I think sent me traffic to my blog that you should check out if you haven't...  I do read all of these blogs regularly.

The Bloggess

Insane in the Mom Brain

More than Cheese and Beer

Finding Ninee

Ooops I Said Vagina Again

Janine's Confessions of a Mommyaholic

Labels: , ,

Crumpets and Bollocks: Things I would Ask Jesus

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Things I would Ask Jesus


I posted this on my Facebook with a long description I realized could be a blog post, so I'm posting it here for two reasons.

1. It's worthy of bookmarking to come back to in the future.
2. I linked someone to my blog, and I don't want the first article they see to be about how I dreamt I had a penis once. Not my best look.

So who I would I sit with on a bench and chat for an hour. Anyone from past or present. Who would it be?

I know you are all thinking, "She'd so pick her dad," and while I'd love to chat with my father (may he rest in peace) on that bench, as well as my mother (she's more fun, sorry dad, but she'd bring cocktails, and she's alive and well), I would have to say Jesus. Not Rafael's cousin, Hey Zeus, no, the one who's mom was a virgin. Wait, all moms were a virgin once. You know which Jesus I mean. Jee Zuss. That Jesus.

And questions I'd ask where I can hear the answers and there's no confusing things... 

1. Is Mary Magdalene your baby's mama? The world is freaking out about it ever since Tom Hanks. 

2. Do you and God get into arguments? If so, about what? 

3. Why on earth would you want to forgive all of us? Like what gave you the idea for Grace?

I am starting to sound like Oprah and Barbara Walters. Maybe I do have a future in television show hosting...

4. Why did your dad make us? 

5. How old is the earth? 

6. Did your dad make dinosaurs? 

7. Do you happen to have an Uncle Gosh? 

8. How do you feel about homosexuals? I might charge people to hear your answer on this one is that OK? 

9. Where am I going when I die? 

10. Where do atheists go when they die? This is important. I love some atheists and I haven't been reaming them about their soul yet. Should I be? 

11. Where is Westboro going when they die? 

12. Why do males have nipples? 

Even male dogs have nipples. That is truly one of the most mysterious things about the universe. Did they use to have babies? Or were they made in a woman's image? And if men were made first, while I know babies gender are formed at conception, they all still start off with female sex organs and males organs form from the chemical stimulation of the female organs, so men were made in our image were they not? And that's why they have nipples isn't it? Why does the Bible spin this to the man's favor like they were first when Eve plainly means BEFORE? 

13. Is there a way to reduce the pain of period cramps and child birth naturally? Like what do we women have to do to make up for Eve? Is there a correlation between Eve's fruit picking and the fact that women make more pies than men?

14. Why did the fallen fall? Do you still love them? Will there be redemption for them some day? This is actually the one I am most curious about besides the males having nipples.

I got more but this is long I'm done. I only get an hour, so I think I covered the important ones.

On the serious, I'd love to get into a discussion about Love and Eternity, and there'd be a lot of me kissing his scars and hugging him. An hour would not be enough.

If for whatever reason you never wondered about nipples on males and like my blog, you know, you can subscribe to it.

Enter your email address:


Delivered by FeedBurner

You can also find me under these rocks...
Follow on Bloglovin Find me on Facebook Find me on Twitter Find me on Pinterest find me on youtube Find me on Feedburner 


Blogs who I think sent me traffic to my blog that you should check out if you haven't...  I do read all of these blogs regularly.

The Bloggess

Insane in the Mom Brain

More than Cheese and Beer

Finding Ninee

Ooops I Said Vagina Again

Janine's Confessions of a Mommyaholic

Labels: , ,

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