Alzheimer Patients say the darndest things

You know how kids say the darndest things? They aren't the only ones. Alzheimer Patients can come up with some better shit just because they are allowed to say words like shit.

Now I'm not making light of Alzheimer's. My grandmother had it, and it was not easy on anyone involved. More than likely, I'm going to be facing either Alzheimer's or something considerably close in mind loss if cancer doesn't get me first (that too runs in my family). If you read my blog, you already know I have symptoms of senility at the very least forming, though it's really severe, chronic sleep deprivation mixed with some autism, PTSD, and MOM Syndrome. I'm a cocktail of disorders, and as I build a tolerance to my current crazy content levels, I'm sure my body will naturally add some more with age. I will always be metaphorical to a stiff drink. A lot of men I'm sure are jealous.

I can already picture it, me in a nursing home, laying in bed with my stuffed dog named Fluffy explaining to nurses how to find the 3rd derivative of a function while having difficulty adding 2 and 2 together, and then start talking about old Santa Barbara characters from the 80's like they are real family members. Of course, they'll totally discredit the real shit I'm saying as nonsense because who really does know if I'm telling you how to find the 3rd derivative accurately or not?

So I have a few friends who work in a nursing home. To avoid any HIPAA issues, I shall not mention anything else about the friends or corporations sponsoring their paychecks... These are my favorite stories I've picked up from them...

1. So there's a priest who is a patient. Of his own volition, he chose to watch Ridiculousness on MTV. Of all the episodes staff might walk in on to watch this man watch this show, it hits a point where the show googles "Vibrator Police," and then proceeds to show a video of a man getting arrested. The cop pulls out of the man's jacket pocket a huge pink vibrator, and while the cop has his head turned, the man pulls out a pair of pink thong and puts it over the cops head. Then the cop rips the thong off and starts to cuff the guy binding his wrists, and the guy picks up the vibrator with his teeth, and starts smacking the cop in the face with it. The priest was watching intently like this wasn't unusual or anything for him.

2. An alzheimers patient was quoted saying, "The heavenly father would not give me Alzheimers and not let me remember it."  I want this on a t-shirt.

3. There's a patient, mid 80's, male, who yells repetitive things all day. For example, if he wants water, he'll repeat the word water for hours, even after you give him water. The Star Spangled Banner, one day he was singing it and got stuck on "The Rockets Red Glare" and repeated that phrase for hours. Non stop. Loud. People hear it down the entire hall. So, a nurse goes in. He had a penis issue. I won't get into his issue, but it's not gross or STD or anything too humiliating. It's he's old at a nursing home. The nurse thought one thing was going on, and realized that wasn't the case after further investigation, and she looks at him and says, "I'm going to have to figure out what I'm going to do with your penis." So he replies, "Use it. Use my penis. Use my penis..." Repeated "Use my penis" for hours.

4. So nurse working Alzheimer's unit trying to chart on the patients, sitting at her desk, is surrounded by Alzheimer patients. Let me introduce them to you. First, you have a woman who thinks she's in school yelling loudly, "I need a 7, 7, 7 TEACHER? I need a 7, 7, 7, Teacher? I need a 7, 7, 7." Then there's a patient who only says the word "Giver," and she repeats it fast like a tongue twister nonstop, "Giver giver giver giver giver giver." Then there's the lady who pets you on the arm as she says, "My mom and dad, SHUT UP... My mom and dad, SHUT UP..." Then a Navy guy who is in a Merry Walker, trying to get out of it, screaming, "I need a knife! I need a knife, knife, knife, knife. If I had a used one, I'd use my used one. Dammit. I need a knife!..." Then a minister, because Navy guy is cussing, "If Jesus came down today, what would he say?" over and over. Then there's the lady who is constantly, "Excuse me, I need my bill please, I'm ready to go home." All simultaneously. Like we thought kids were rough with their juice-needing, butt-wiping, start-the-movie needs. My nurse friend looked at me and said, "Could you imagine charting like that?" and I was like, "Can you imagine trying to pee on the potty like that?"

5. So a minister decided to visit the Alzheimer's unit to have an actual service in the dining room for the patients. The intent was to donate some time with the patients, sing with them, pray for them... He brings his two children with him, approximately aged 12 and 14. Everything was going fine until one patient grabs his hands and screams, "For God's sakes, do the right thing and open the door!" He tells her he can't, but he'll say a prayer for her, so she starts screaming, "You are nothing but the devil! You are a cult leader!" and then she warns all the other patients that they are trying to make everyone join a cult, and now they must escape. So all the patients try to push through the door, yelling and shoving the minister, meanwhile one with sexual behavior issues was grabbing his ass frequently. So the minister found the nurses, said a prayer for the staff to cope with the patients, and fled the scene with his children. He hasn't been back since. Pillar of Salt stuff, you know how that is. Don't. Look. Back.


Now I do love my friends. All of them. A lot of that is because I always find the good in people. Wow, I'm starting to rock the back-handed compliments. Anyway, I do find the most humor in the fact that we compete/compare our days. I've heard many people compare old age to revisiting the toddler years, like we came in this world wearing diapers, and we will leave this world in diapers. The caregivers do the same shit. My friends and I compare frequently what it's like to care for people, and we often compete. "My day sucked worse than yours because I worked the Alzheimer's unit on a full moon, and no it's not like kids. It's worse than kids. I have 20 patients on my hall..." And I'm like, "Whatever, you get to drug your patients when they start acting crazy."  Really, if we want to make it a competition, it's easier to do one job for 20 people than it is to do 20 jobs for 3.

But the serious side... Listen to a nurse friend talk about work, and while you may laugh at some of the funny stories, the reality will piss you off. It will scare you. The corporate nature of healthcare is a very scary monster. I guess that's another blog post somewhere.