The Real Crisis of Modern Day Parents

There is a HuffPost blog post going viral on my Facebooks, and I don't, gasp, agree with it totally. Because I've avoided the subject of parenting as much as possible with my blog, mainly because I started off thinking I was going to blog about parenting to discover I'd much rather talk about boobs, whether the ones on my chest or idiots wondering the earth, I decided this is a great way to approach parenting in a writing prompt, which frequently ends up being a comment the size of Mount Rushmore. I think the woman who wrote this article, Emma Jenner, was a British Nanny, on a tv show, and stuff. So she really must know what she's talking about, like Dr. Phil, right?

Let's look at it chunk by chunk...

She lists 5 reasons modern parents are in crisis. These are the greatest problems of modern parents.

"1. A fear of our children. 
I have what I think of as "the sippy cup test," wherein I will observe a parent getting her toddler a cup of milk in the morning. If the child says, "I want the pink sippy cup, not the blue!" yet the mum has already poured the milk into the blue sippy cup, I watch carefully to see how the parent reacts. More often than not, the mum's face whitens and she rushes to get the preferred sippy cup before the child has a tantrum.Fail! What are you afraid of, mum? Who is in charge here? Let her have a tantrum, and remove yourself so you don't have to hear it. But for goodness' sake, don't make extra work for yourself just to please her -- and even more importantly, think about the lesson it teaches if you give her what she wants because she's thrown a fit."

This is the part where I can almost guarantee the writer never had children. There's a couple things going on here. The first part, the fear of the temper tantrum. I know that fear because I have it. And my kids don't just throw a fit where you can remove yourself. They follow you around, poking you for attention, screaming in your ear... If you are lucky to be able to walk away from it, they start fighting with their sisters. And this isn't 20 minutes. No, my kids will cry and scream bloody ell for over an hour, usually triggering a migraine that knocks me out for 3 days. I don't know if Emma here is just naive or talking out of her ass, but there is no such thing as, "Let her have the tantrum so you don't make extra work for yourself just to please her." Yes all you non-parent experts out there, learn this. Write this down. Memorize it for the future. TEMPER TANTRUMS ARE EXTRA WORK FOR THE PARENT.

I should also mention, for you non-parent experts out there, the real parent doesn't get to hand the kid off to someone when convenient like a nanny gets to. No, the day doesn't end for the parent. Parenting is not a NannyGig. It's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and it includes work like cleaning the house, shopping and preparing all the meals, paying bills, handling appointments and scheduling, maintaining the vehicles, yard work... all with your kids swarming around you asking you what that is, what does it do, can it do this... Parents don't have time for a temper tantrum like a nanny does.

This is why I choose my battles wisely. I don't care if my kid wants the pink or blue sippy cup. I get it for them. It's not much work to rinse the one and put it away dripping wet. Your kids will survive any germs left on the cup. Now when it comes to important things, yeah, I'll take that temper tantrum. Things like, "No, I'm not buying that for you," especially when I can't afford it. Then there's, "Stop fighting." And definitely, "give me that blunt object you are trying to smack people with."

Then there are times where you can't avoid the temper tantrum, especially if they are in their terrible twos, treacherous threes, or fuck me sideways fours. My Annie will do this thing where she wants an elephant pond. You're like what? "Give me an elephant pond." What's an elephant pond? "Give it to me now!" The fuck? Or she'll come at me with, "I wanted to do it, I want to open it. close the soda can you just opened. Close it now!"

Yes. YES I gave my kid the PINK SIPPY CUP! Clutch on that!

The second part of this post, the parenting manual provided by CPS so it must be true... That thing says to give your kids choices and options. Give them do-able choices that you will do. Not that whole, "eat it or starve" as starving isn't really an option. More of an, "eat this, or eat that." Basically, according to CPS, if you are parenting right, you would have known your kid wanted the pink sippy before pouring the milk. Now who's the expert?

But it's more than that. In kid world, things like the color of their cup is a major decision, and to not give them pink when they wanted pink is a great injustice that they will ponder about for a helluva lot longer than you as the parent could possibly give a damn. When they see you have no reason other than abuse of parental powers, they trust you less, especially if they are on the autism spectrum. Kids think they are miniature adults. They can understand that the fuck word is only a word for grown ups, and that you have to be 21 to drink the mommy juice, but simple respect is something they expect. When it's not given to them on a regular basis for years and years... Shit happens like low self worth. People pleasing behaviors. And with that respect comes things like letting them make some of their major decisions, and helping them understand why rules are rules when it comes to that. Even when they are too young to understand, you are planting a seed by explaining it anyway.

And contrary to miss emma's belief, we parents don't always give in out of fear. We give in out of respect sometimes, and it's really sad a grown up fails to see the distinction.

"2. A lowered bar. 
When children misbehave, whether it's by way of public outburst or private surliness, parents are apt to shrug their shoulders as if to say, "That's just the way it is with kids." I assure you, it doesn't have to be. Children are capable of much more than parents typically expect from them, whether it's in the form of proper manners, respect for elders, chores, generosity or self-control. You don't think a child can sit through dinner at a restaurant? Rubbish. You don't think a child can clear the table without being asked? Rubbish again! The only reason they don't behave is because you haven't shown them how and you haven't expected it! It's that simple. Raise the bar and your child shall rise to the occasion."

This I partially agree with. You can brainwash show and guide a child to behave certain ways, and you can do it without spankings and discipline. Most kids are more than eager to learn the ropes of adulthood. My kids, they are the type to grab a stick of butter and draw all over the windows with it. Then, they are even more excited to spray it with window cleaner and wipe it clean with some generic Bounty (if you have a roll of generic Bounty, you know what you are doing).

But there are behaviors that truly is the way with kids. For instance, my doctor's office. After waiting in a waiting room for 45 minutes, my kids start to walk around on the colored squares, trying not to step on the cracks. Sometimes they want to low-crawl under the row of chairs. The front desk lady is always, "You need to control your children," and I'm always, "You need to be on time with this appointment." Seriously? You cannot make kids sit for over an hour, quietly still, without a movie. No, that's like abuse. If I'm 15 minutes late for that appointment, they reschedule. So if the doctor can't see us 15 minutes within the appointment, my kids will make the best of the situation, and it will be loud and obnoxious, and the office is lucky I didn't arm my children with glitter for saying stupid shit like, "control your kids." That right there totes deserves a glitter bomb.

I think this author is British, which explains it. We don't do tea here in the states in a dainty tea party where we politely talk about current events. We drink coffee. We are always on the go having caffeine raged debates about what's fucked up in the world.

"3. We've lost the village. It used to be that bus drivers, teachers, shopkeepers and other parents had carte blanche to correct an unruly child. They would act as the mum and dad's eyes and ears when their children were out of sight, and everyone worked towards the same shared interest: raising proper boys and girls. This village was one of support. Now, when someone who is not the child's parent dares to correct him, the mum and dad get upset. They want their child to appear perfect, and so they often don't accept teachers' and others' reports that he is not. They'll storm in and have a go at a teacher rather than discipline their child for acting out in class. They feel the need to project a perfect picture to the world and unfortunately, their insecurity is reinforced because many parents do judge one another. If a child is having a tantrum, all eyes turn on the mum disapprovingly. Instead she should be supported, because chances are the tantrum occurred because she's not giving in to one of her child's demands. Those observers should instead be saying, "Hey, good work -- I know setting limits is hard." "

I agree, but not completely. I really truly don't know any parents who want their kids to be perfect, let alone in denial about such a thing. I correct people's kids all the time because I don't spank, I don't yell, I don't grab, and I don't use fear to communicate. I approach them like I would my own, from a nurturing standpoint, and I politely explain why their behavior needs to change. Sometimes, when their parent notices I did it, they thank me. Don't get me wrong. Polite doesn't always work with kids. But from a stranger, it usually goes much further than it does your own kids who know you too well. Even with my own kids, I attempt polite before losing my shit.

But she is right about the judgy parents. That's the problem. The village is no longer a community of support, but instead, a group of the village idiots spitting out whiny bull shit about how you suck as a parent. Usually the village is people who couldn't last a day in your shoes telling you how to wear those shoes and where to go in them. That's where the insecurity is. Some of us parents do get insecure at times from the bullies, but it's the bullies who are insecure. It's the people without kids, or the people who weren't really there for their kids, telling us what we are doing wrong. Criticism is generally people projecting their own insecurities, especially their valid insecurities.

In my world, my bff's and family are just simply not there for anything but criticism. It's defeating. I had to go online to find a supportive environment. They may not be able to babysit my kids on account they live on the other side of the world, but they can offer emotional support, and they do. The sad thing is, not one person who I thought would be there for me and isn't did it all on their own. They either had my help, or someone else's help (like I couldn't babysit me for my mom, but my grandma sure did, 8 to 10 hours a day, 5 days a week).

It's beyond just the dirty looks during a temper tantrum in public. Try paying for your shit with food stamps and see what looks you get. I've even had people tell me not to give my children popcorn because it's a choking hazard. And they were serious!

"4. A reliance on shortcuts. 
I think it's wonderful that parents have all sorts of electronics to help them through airline flights and long waits at the doctor's office. It's equally fabulous that we can order our groceries online for delivery, and heat up healthy-ish food at the touch of a button on the microwave. Parents are busier than ever, and I'm all for taking the easy way when you need it. But shortcuts can be a slippery slope. When you see how wonderful it is that Caillou can entertain your child on a flight, don't be tempted to put it on when you are at a restaurant. Children must still learn patience. They must still learn to entertain themselves. They must still learn that not all food comes out steaming hot and ready in three minutes or less, and ideally they will also learn to help prepare it. Babies must learn to self-soothe instead of sitting in a vibrating chair each time they're fussy. Toddlers need to pick themselves up when they fall down instead of just raising their arms to mum and dad. Show children that shortcuts can be helpful, but that there is great satisfaction in doing things the slow way too."

This I agree with what she says, but I don't think it's a reason our parenting is in crisis mode.


"5. Parents put their children's needs ahead of their own. 
Naturally, parents are wired to take care of their children first, and this is a good thing for evolution! I am an advocate of adhering to a schedule that suits your child's needs, and of practices like feeding and clothing your children first. But parents today have taken it too far, completely subsuming their own needs and mental health for the sake of their children. So often I see mums get up from bed again and again to fulfill the whims of their child. Or dads drop everything to run across the zoo to get their daughter a drink because she's thirsty. There is nothing wrong with not going to your child when she wants yet another glass of water at night. There's nothing wrong with that dad at the zoo saying, "Absolutely you can have something to drink, but you must wait until we pass the next drinking fountain." There is nothing wrong with using the word "No" on occasion, nothing wrong with asking your child to entertain herself for a few minutes because mummy would like to use the toilet in private or flick through a magazine for that matter."

This I agree with. Society expects us to put our children first beyond what our bodies can do healthily. But taking care of your mental health is putting your kids above yourself because they need you to be sane. Trust me on this one. I'm speaking from experience. My situation was less than normal, but I couldn't imagine parents dipping out on much needed sleep for water and blankies. The main caregiver needs their me-time.

Parents need a lot of things that they just can't get because the village isn't there anymore. The kids still depend on you, and only you, 24/7, and that is definitely a crisis situation. This is why some parents forget important things for their kids. Why people like me are late for everything, including getting my kids to school. Had there been a support system in place, you know, like a community to share the load of parenting, parents would parent better. They would be able to teach their kids the stuff you think their kids need to learn. They'd be able to clean the house suitable to your tastes. They'd have the time and sanity to parent.

We simply have too much on our plate, and no back up to help us. 

It's more than just your friends and family, members of your tribe, helping. They should help. They are assholes if they don't, especially if you help them out all the time. But our society as a whole is anti-parent. You take your kids in public, and people are offended now. They are more concerned with your rights to abort your child than your ability to raise one, and many seem to want to take away your right to have children with those, "you didn't breastfeed? You shouldn't be allowed to breed" comments. 

The Village Raising Our Children

Corporations and places that give you a pay check you use to feed people with do not give a shit about your kids, or that you have little offspring who depend on you for just about everything. You take too many sick days because your kid got strep from school, and then head lice, and then that weird rash that you had to take her to the doctor for... you get fired. If you don't, they'll be the first to call CPS on your ass. You can get fired, not legally, but it happens all the time, for things like getting pregnant. I had one guy tell me not to hire this woman because she was a mother, and would require stuff like leaving to pick up her kid from school, and he didn't want to deal with that. I hired her anyway, and then she plotted to take my job from me. 

The economy sucks, so every parent is more concerned with making sure there's a roof over their head next month to even notice their kid just asked for the pink sippy after they poured the milk in the blue. Heaven forbid they get on government assistance... 

The schools? They are just as bossy and rude as the asshole at Walmart who couldn't handle your kids throwing a fit over "no." My Annie one day threw a fit in the Principal's office because she wanted to open the door for her sister, and her sister wanted to open the door for herself, and they fought, and I broke up the fight, but Annie wasn't happy about it. I sat her on the chair while she cried, and I soothed her within 2 minutes. A social worker saw it, and somehow the teacher on the other end of the building heard about it before the end of the day, and then she told my friend and some other mothers about it after school... It was top story. My kid threw a fit. I did nothing wrong, but the social worker was still concerned.

The reason parents are in crisis isn't the parents. It isn't the kids. It's the "grown ups" who surround them. The people who stick their nose in everything you do when it comes to defeating you, berating you, insulting you, but are never around for the lifting you up, the supporting you, or extending their hand in help. That's the problem. 

Here's the irony. Everyone is like, "Parents today suck compared to parents of yesteryear." Somehow, someway, they say that, whether it's the, "When I was a kid, I got spanked," or "People spoil their kids too much anymore.." or "People like you are the problem," and "Your kids are going to be spoiled brats when they grow up based on nothing but my own asshat opinion." The irony is? The old school parents of the past raised those whiny ass adults who do nothing but shit on things. I think modern parenting may be in crisis mode, but not because of their parenting abilities, but because of their parents' parenting abilities. The kids are not the assholes. It's the adults who are. They are the ones teaching our children to be one too. 

You can read Emma's post here...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/emma-jenner/modern-day-parenting-in-c_b_5552527.html