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Crumpets and Bollocks: Happy Easter or Hump Day Preachy Keen Soapbox

Happy Easter or Hump Day Preachy Keen Soapbox

Let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about the Easter bunny, let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be, let's talk about Spring.... Yeah I'm dancing as I type. I am the sexiest nerd with this right now let me tell you. Don't let this silliness fool you because this is a very serious topic, a religious one, or a spiritual one, you decide whatever role this shall play in your life, and if you aren't religious, that's okay. You can get something from this too.

So I started off writing this as a profile status on my facebook, and then I decided it was too risque for my profile, so I put it on my friend's page that was designed to post things we wouldn't post on our profile. It's called "Oh No! Did I Offend You?" No, I'm not asking you if you are offended yet. That's the name of the page. But I'm realizing a lot of Christians reading it totally missed the point I was trying to make in between the lines. I don't know why I keep trying to do this metaphorical coded Shakespearean Classic Literature attempt because the minds of today misses some obvious shit without Cliff's Notes. I bet you many will still miss it. It's because we are spiders. I'll get to that in a minute.

Anyway, the status...

So basically, Easter/Spring time was a Pagan deal about fertility. That time of year where we plant seeds outside like carrots and inside like loin fruits. It's the humping time of year, a holiday following one about love (Valentine's Day, which also had roots in fertility stuff), with symbols like eggs, bunnies, baby chickens, chocolate (aphrodisiac)… And then we got the Passover where we celebrate how God killed the first born of the Egyptians, then the Crucifixion where we celebrate how we killed God's first born, and then the Resurrection where God's first born was like haha, can't touch this, and came back to life… conveniently forgiving all our sins in the process, and by conveniently, I mean well played Christians. Some of you may act all holier-than-thou, but I see through it now. The timing of Jesus related celebrations was no coincidence. Y'all needed Jesus to forgive you for all the foul acts you did in the name of the Fertility gods, so that you may hump away guilt free. And for that. Thank. You. Thumbs up. You rock.

Let me spell out some things I mistakenly thought was obvious with this...

First of all, this really is a time of year where people naturally believe in new, birth, fertility, LIFE. After the cold harsh deaths of winter, we are followed with a resurrection of Spring, and yes I'm using these choice words on purpose, Resurrection meaning Jesus came back from the dead and this is a time of year where natural cycles show a new beginning, like the trees resurrected from winter, and getting knocked up. Research it. Every freaking folklore legend of the pagan beliefs that existed before Christianity are about fertility and fucking.

Second, there's a lot of coincidences going on here. Or are they? God didn't proclaim these holidays. These dates where we celebrate them are not anniversaries of the events. We chose these dates. It's just weird how it worked out, and I can't tell if it was a Freudian thing or an intentional one, and by Freudian, I don't mean sex or the psychosexual stages, I mean was this an Id deal? or a super ego one?

What is strange coincidental...

1. The story line of killing the first borns. Out of all the stories of the Old Testament, why the Passover during this time? I know the Jewish people celebrated it around spring? But why? The OT is full of stories where some awful suffering was going on, God intervened, people died, and then boom, new happy life, like Egyptians slaving Hebrews, God intervened with Moses, kids died, and slaves were freed, and it was followed with another tale where the slaves were travelling and starving, suffering, for a very long time (another winter) before hitting the promised land (another Spring). We have oodles of stories to pull from for that Winter/Spring theme to celebrate during this time of year, but why the one story where God killed the first born? So that we can then also follow it days later with the Crucifixion where karma comes back and we kill God's first born... Basically the same story, people being redeemed by the blood of a lamb... Note: New Testament dictates we turn the Passover celebrations, I guess, into eating bread and drinking wine and maybe washing feet depending on who translated the English translation for you, but me personally, I like bread and wine and try to incorporate that into my daily life regardless :)

2. Resurrection and Spring's renewal are very common themes. Out of all the stories in the Bible, nothing says Renewal and new birth and new beginnings better than the story of Jesus Resurrecting. This one has to have be intentional timing, much like fertility festivals were very common this time of year before the onset of Christianity. It all goes in line with Nature.

3. But even better than resurrection, with that story comes the concept of Grace. By Jesus Christ, we are forgiven. Just funny timing when we hit a new beginning, fresh start of Spring with a clean slate by grace during a time where procreation and the acts involved in procreating are at their peak. Many Christians of today seem to think they are immune to sin. That because they didn't have homosexual anal sex anytime recently that their sex is somehow less sinful than everyone else's where I'm sure it's not, and I mean this metaphorically. The sex can be metaphorical to any act where sin is possible and probable. I just don't think it's a coincidence where we celebrate grace at the same time of year we celebrate sex.

To continue my preaching... it's not a high horse thank you, this is my unicorn. 

A lot of Christians have fucked up this Easter story. At least as it's told in the Bible. Nothing in the Bible was intended to be literal without a metaphorical value while soaking up the context. Again, I think it's a Freudian thing, the ego this time, making sense of the super ego and the id. Anyway, the real story... We killed Christ. Our ancestors did. He died in the hands of human beings, and that would be us, unless you don't think you are human, and if you are not human, well then you must be an alien or a dog or some animal which all would be super awesome interesting, whether you are intelligent life people claim does not exist or you are a dog capable of reading a blog. Either way, the fact that maybe we aren't Roman or wasn't alive during the time does not mean we didn't do it. When you are talking 3 main forces in this world from a Biblical standpoint, God, Satan, and man, the one force that killed Christ was Man. Not Satan. Not fallen angels. We did it. Satan actually warned God about that which started the whole fight according to Catholic sources. When we crucified that man (which is a huge step beyond just killing someone), we proved Satan right for a second. God knew we would. He planned for it.

But Jesus didn't die for our sins. No our sins killed him. And on the brink of death, his dying words were, "Forgive them for they know not what they do," which that dying wish is what started the Grace process. That dying wish followed by coming back from the dead, resurrecting, that is what He did for us. And not only did we kill the man, we not only tortured him, we not only crucified his beliefs that were different than our own, we not only feared him because he loved us all and his idea of charity and communism would interfere with personal gain, not only are we closed minded murderers, but we are also stupid closed minded murderers. We are that lower life form, and Jesus is the guy who doesn't blame the poisonous spider for biting him because the spider is a stupid creature acting on instinct.

Should that concept insult you? Not if you have Jesus in your life. With Jesus in your life, you are SUPPOSED to be humbled.

And that's the point of the story. Our sins are our venom. We bit the Messiah out of fear and stupidity. He resurrected so we wouldn't suffer consequences beyond our understanding. This didn't just happen a bunch of years ago. This is a cycle, much like winter and spring, and it repeats itself perpetually. Like the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland, we killed Time. We Killed Christ, and we are sentenced to a perpetual tea party with a broken watch. If you are unfamiliar with that part of Alice in Wonderland, there's Cliff's Notes on the subject. But the point is, we still crucify Christ every day when we crucify a man for his beliefs. When we decide we hate homosexuals, we are crucifying Christ. When we decide atheists suck, we crucify Christ. When we decide we are holier than thou to every being who walks in your church, we are crucifying Christ. When we deny starving people food, we are crucifying Christ. When we picket funerals of soldiers, we are crucifying Christ. I could go on and on. But we all do it, somewhere, someway, somehow. All of us including myself. We all crucify him still, and we are forgiven still.

BUT, while Grace saves our asses, part of the Grace deal is what? Accepting Christ in your life. Now when the Bible says that, or maybe I should say when Christ said that, He wasn't referring to walking into a man-made structure called a Church and saying, "hey, I accept Jesus in my life" and then go there every Sunday and put on your Puritan costume living in a delusion that you are saved giving you every right to judge people and damn them to hell. How the hell people get that from that is beyond me and totally proves the stupidity point even further. Jesus Christ is a dead guy who came back from the grave. How do you accept a dead guy in your life? You accept His spirit, what he stood for, his beliefs, his LOVE for humanity. That acceptance doesn't siphon out the poison of sin from your body. You are still full of sin and possibly shit. There is no way to make a turd clean to touch. Nope, you are still a product of both good and evil, and by working with your goodness every day to overcome evil, to over come temptations, to LOVE instead of hate (both of which are passions), you are accepting Christ in your life. You are allowing him in your heart. You are permitting him to dictate what you do without fear. And the more you do it, the more you will recognize him upon your death because I assure you he will not look like the white guy with facial hair in all the paintings. You will have to recognize Him by what he stood for. Noah Webster once said the righteous will see God, and he's right. They will. But by how they actually live, not the facade they present.

So when I say, "Accept Christ in your life," I mean anyone could be doing that. Just because they don't go to your church and live exactly the way you live and believe exactly what you believe doesn't mean they don't. I have seen atheists live a life more in line with Christ's teachings than some Christians, and I would say those atheists in that case know Christ better, and have accepted Him more so, than the Christians. Christ is not a label. It doesn't matter what you call Him. If He's there, He's there. And just because they sin doesn't mean they are not allowed Christ or have to change to your ways. You sin all the damn time. Everyone does. It's unavoidable because we are stupid. We are equally flawed. Of course, we all try to reduce sin as much as possible, but the process of that is something between the sinner and God (trinity) and is nobody else's business.

Now I am reading a lot about Easter and it's history. Here's some of the comments from that status...


Tim says, " Truth...Easter is the season of Easter/Oaestre, the Greek goddess of fertility. This is the season when the Greeks had large orgies while dressing in pastel colors. The symbols used to celebrate were fertility ones such as:
Rabbits (multiply voraciously)
Eggs (symbol of the womb)
Chocolate (aphrodisiac)
Where the Christ resurrection comes into play is the Celestial cross...
During December 22-25th the SUN OF GOD stops moving forward and starts to move backwards for 3 Days, then starts to move forward again on the 25th. The location of this occurrence and the location of the planet's form a celestial CROSS. Thus, the SUN OF GOD DIES ON THE CROSS AND RISES AGAIN IN 3 DAYS. This is also how the LIE of a Jesus was born on December 25th occurred. The SUN OF GOD was born when the SUN moved forward on the 25th.
A CRAZY ASS CRUSADER (CHRISTIAN WHO KILLS IN THE NAME OF HIS RELIGION AND TAKES OVER LANDS TO SPREAD THE WORD -BS!) named Constantine(Sp?) AND THE KNIGHTS OF TEMPLAR (Modern day KKK) was commissioned by the Pimp, oh I mean Pope, to spread the word and the papacy indoctrinated these pagan rituals into its religion for financial gain and to spread the MYTH of EUROPEAN Jesus (which was really a MASTER MASON NAMED CAESAR BORNINE (Sp?), Son of the POPE.)
The fable get more entertaining...
Look it up, do not BE-LIE-EVE anyone."


Theresa gave this link: http://rcg.org/books/ttooe.html

Susan says, "Actually, Easter is another of the many pagan holidays adopted by Christianity. It's a celebration of rebirth. It was a time when the days began to grow longer and plants began to grow again, it was also the time when fields were planted, animals were born and the time of the New Year celebration before the Gregorian calendar was adopted. It's a celebration of fertility and hope for prosperity. The egg has long been a symbol of fertility. When Christianity began spreading, the people were hard put to discard their celebrations, so they were adapted to Christianity. Christmas is another celebration adopted by the Christians. Jesus had nothing to do with either of them."

Basically, in a nut shell, Easter is a tradition based on tribal tales where we can't differentiate between fact and fiction of what little of the story is left. We have no idea where the fuck (punny) this holiday came from or what it means. I can't tell you if you are going to burn in hell for celebrating it, even with the focus on Jesus Christ, or not. I can't speak for God. I can't speak for you. All I can say is Christ taught Love. That's the gist of the Bible. It says God is Love. Jesus did nothing but show an example of Love. Even when Jesus disagreed, He was still all about Love.

So analyze what you want to analyze, but the important thing is it's Easter. Go love your lover in ways that justify Christ's resurrection. Happy Hump Day, I mean Happy Easter. Frolic and don't forget the bread and wine WINE WINE did I mention WINE.

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Crumpets and Bollocks: Happy Easter or Hump Day Preachy Keen Soapbox

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Happy Easter or Hump Day Preachy Keen Soapbox

Let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about the Easter bunny, let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be, let's talk about Spring.... Yeah I'm dancing as I type. I am the sexiest nerd with this right now let me tell you. Don't let this silliness fool you because this is a very serious topic, a religious one, or a spiritual one, you decide whatever role this shall play in your life, and if you aren't religious, that's okay. You can get something from this too.

So I started off writing this as a profile status on my facebook, and then I decided it was too risque for my profile, so I put it on my friend's page that was designed to post things we wouldn't post on our profile. It's called "Oh No! Did I Offend You?" No, I'm not asking you if you are offended yet. That's the name of the page. But I'm realizing a lot of Christians reading it totally missed the point I was trying to make in between the lines. I don't know why I keep trying to do this metaphorical coded Shakespearean Classic Literature attempt because the minds of today misses some obvious shit without Cliff's Notes. I bet you many will still miss it. It's because we are spiders. I'll get to that in a minute.

Anyway, the status...

So basically, Easter/Spring time was a Pagan deal about fertility. That time of year where we plant seeds outside like carrots and inside like loin fruits. It's the humping time of year, a holiday following one about love (Valentine's Day, which also had roots in fertility stuff), with symbols like eggs, bunnies, baby chickens, chocolate (aphrodisiac)… And then we got the Passover where we celebrate how God killed the first born of the Egyptians, then the Crucifixion where we celebrate how we killed God's first born, and then the Resurrection where God's first born was like haha, can't touch this, and came back to life… conveniently forgiving all our sins in the process, and by conveniently, I mean well played Christians. Some of you may act all holier-than-thou, but I see through it now. The timing of Jesus related celebrations was no coincidence. Y'all needed Jesus to forgive you for all the foul acts you did in the name of the Fertility gods, so that you may hump away guilt free. And for that. Thank. You. Thumbs up. You rock.

Let me spell out some things I mistakenly thought was obvious with this...

First of all, this really is a time of year where people naturally believe in new, birth, fertility, LIFE. After the cold harsh deaths of winter, we are followed with a resurrection of Spring, and yes I'm using these choice words on purpose, Resurrection meaning Jesus came back from the dead and this is a time of year where natural cycles show a new beginning, like the trees resurrected from winter, and getting knocked up. Research it. Every freaking folklore legend of the pagan beliefs that existed before Christianity are about fertility and fucking.

Second, there's a lot of coincidences going on here. Or are they? God didn't proclaim these holidays. These dates where we celebrate them are not anniversaries of the events. We chose these dates. It's just weird how it worked out, and I can't tell if it was a Freudian thing or an intentional one, and by Freudian, I don't mean sex or the psychosexual stages, I mean was this an Id deal? or a super ego one?

What is strange coincidental...

1. The story line of killing the first borns. Out of all the stories of the Old Testament, why the Passover during this time? I know the Jewish people celebrated it around spring? But why? The OT is full of stories where some awful suffering was going on, God intervened, people died, and then boom, new happy life, like Egyptians slaving Hebrews, God intervened with Moses, kids died, and slaves were freed, and it was followed with another tale where the slaves were travelling and starving, suffering, for a very long time (another winter) before hitting the promised land (another Spring). We have oodles of stories to pull from for that Winter/Spring theme to celebrate during this time of year, but why the one story where God killed the first born? So that we can then also follow it days later with the Crucifixion where karma comes back and we kill God's first born... Basically the same story, people being redeemed by the blood of a lamb... Note: New Testament dictates we turn the Passover celebrations, I guess, into eating bread and drinking wine and maybe washing feet depending on who translated the English translation for you, but me personally, I like bread and wine and try to incorporate that into my daily life regardless :)

2. Resurrection and Spring's renewal are very common themes. Out of all the stories in the Bible, nothing says Renewal and new birth and new beginnings better than the story of Jesus Resurrecting. This one has to have be intentional timing, much like fertility festivals were very common this time of year before the onset of Christianity. It all goes in line with Nature.

3. But even better than resurrection, with that story comes the concept of Grace. By Jesus Christ, we are forgiven. Just funny timing when we hit a new beginning, fresh start of Spring with a clean slate by grace during a time where procreation and the acts involved in procreating are at their peak. Many Christians of today seem to think they are immune to sin. That because they didn't have homosexual anal sex anytime recently that their sex is somehow less sinful than everyone else's where I'm sure it's not, and I mean this metaphorically. The sex can be metaphorical to any act where sin is possible and probable. I just don't think it's a coincidence where we celebrate grace at the same time of year we celebrate sex.

To continue my preaching... it's not a high horse thank you, this is my unicorn. 

A lot of Christians have fucked up this Easter story. At least as it's told in the Bible. Nothing in the Bible was intended to be literal without a metaphorical value while soaking up the context. Again, I think it's a Freudian thing, the ego this time, making sense of the super ego and the id. Anyway, the real story... We killed Christ. Our ancestors did. He died in the hands of human beings, and that would be us, unless you don't think you are human, and if you are not human, well then you must be an alien or a dog or some animal which all would be super awesome interesting, whether you are intelligent life people claim does not exist or you are a dog capable of reading a blog. Either way, the fact that maybe we aren't Roman or wasn't alive during the time does not mean we didn't do it. When you are talking 3 main forces in this world from a Biblical standpoint, God, Satan, and man, the one force that killed Christ was Man. Not Satan. Not fallen angels. We did it. Satan actually warned God about that which started the whole fight according to Catholic sources. When we crucified that man (which is a huge step beyond just killing someone), we proved Satan right for a second. God knew we would. He planned for it.

But Jesus didn't die for our sins. No our sins killed him. And on the brink of death, his dying words were, "Forgive them for they know not what they do," which that dying wish is what started the Grace process. That dying wish followed by coming back from the dead, resurrecting, that is what He did for us. And not only did we kill the man, we not only tortured him, we not only crucified his beliefs that were different than our own, we not only feared him because he loved us all and his idea of charity and communism would interfere with personal gain, not only are we closed minded murderers, but we are also stupid closed minded murderers. We are that lower life form, and Jesus is the guy who doesn't blame the poisonous spider for biting him because the spider is a stupid creature acting on instinct.

Should that concept insult you? Not if you have Jesus in your life. With Jesus in your life, you are SUPPOSED to be humbled.

And that's the point of the story. Our sins are our venom. We bit the Messiah out of fear and stupidity. He resurrected so we wouldn't suffer consequences beyond our understanding. This didn't just happen a bunch of years ago. This is a cycle, much like winter and spring, and it repeats itself perpetually. Like the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland, we killed Time. We Killed Christ, and we are sentenced to a perpetual tea party with a broken watch. If you are unfamiliar with that part of Alice in Wonderland, there's Cliff's Notes on the subject. But the point is, we still crucify Christ every day when we crucify a man for his beliefs. When we decide we hate homosexuals, we are crucifying Christ. When we decide atheists suck, we crucify Christ. When we decide we are holier than thou to every being who walks in your church, we are crucifying Christ. When we deny starving people food, we are crucifying Christ. When we picket funerals of soldiers, we are crucifying Christ. I could go on and on. But we all do it, somewhere, someway, somehow. All of us including myself. We all crucify him still, and we are forgiven still.

BUT, while Grace saves our asses, part of the Grace deal is what? Accepting Christ in your life. Now when the Bible says that, or maybe I should say when Christ said that, He wasn't referring to walking into a man-made structure called a Church and saying, "hey, I accept Jesus in my life" and then go there every Sunday and put on your Puritan costume living in a delusion that you are saved giving you every right to judge people and damn them to hell. How the hell people get that from that is beyond me and totally proves the stupidity point even further. Jesus Christ is a dead guy who came back from the grave. How do you accept a dead guy in your life? You accept His spirit, what he stood for, his beliefs, his LOVE for humanity. That acceptance doesn't siphon out the poison of sin from your body. You are still full of sin and possibly shit. There is no way to make a turd clean to touch. Nope, you are still a product of both good and evil, and by working with your goodness every day to overcome evil, to over come temptations, to LOVE instead of hate (both of which are passions), you are accepting Christ in your life. You are allowing him in your heart. You are permitting him to dictate what you do without fear. And the more you do it, the more you will recognize him upon your death because I assure you he will not look like the white guy with facial hair in all the paintings. You will have to recognize Him by what he stood for. Noah Webster once said the righteous will see God, and he's right. They will. But by how they actually live, not the facade they present.

So when I say, "Accept Christ in your life," I mean anyone could be doing that. Just because they don't go to your church and live exactly the way you live and believe exactly what you believe doesn't mean they don't. I have seen atheists live a life more in line with Christ's teachings than some Christians, and I would say those atheists in that case know Christ better, and have accepted Him more so, than the Christians. Christ is not a label. It doesn't matter what you call Him. If He's there, He's there. And just because they sin doesn't mean they are not allowed Christ or have to change to your ways. You sin all the damn time. Everyone does. It's unavoidable because we are stupid. We are equally flawed. Of course, we all try to reduce sin as much as possible, but the process of that is something between the sinner and God (trinity) and is nobody else's business.

Now I am reading a lot about Easter and it's history. Here's some of the comments from that status...


Tim says, " Truth...Easter is the season of Easter/Oaestre, the Greek goddess of fertility. This is the season when the Greeks had large orgies while dressing in pastel colors. The symbols used to celebrate were fertility ones such as:
Rabbits (multiply voraciously)
Eggs (symbol of the womb)
Chocolate (aphrodisiac)
Where the Christ resurrection comes into play is the Celestial cross...
During December 22-25th the SUN OF GOD stops moving forward and starts to move backwards for 3 Days, then starts to move forward again on the 25th. The location of this occurrence and the location of the planet's form a celestial CROSS. Thus, the SUN OF GOD DIES ON THE CROSS AND RISES AGAIN IN 3 DAYS. This is also how the LIE of a Jesus was born on December 25th occurred. The SUN OF GOD was born when the SUN moved forward on the 25th.
A CRAZY ASS CRUSADER (CHRISTIAN WHO KILLS IN THE NAME OF HIS RELIGION AND TAKES OVER LANDS TO SPREAD THE WORD -BS!) named Constantine(Sp?) AND THE KNIGHTS OF TEMPLAR (Modern day KKK) was commissioned by the Pimp, oh I mean Pope, to spread the word and the papacy indoctrinated these pagan rituals into its religion for financial gain and to spread the MYTH of EUROPEAN Jesus (which was really a MASTER MASON NAMED CAESAR BORNINE (Sp?), Son of the POPE.)
The fable get more entertaining...
Look it up, do not BE-LIE-EVE anyone."


Theresa gave this link: http://rcg.org/books/ttooe.html

Susan says, "Actually, Easter is another of the many pagan holidays adopted by Christianity. It's a celebration of rebirth. It was a time when the days began to grow longer and plants began to grow again, it was also the time when fields were planted, animals were born and the time of the New Year celebration before the Gregorian calendar was adopted. It's a celebration of fertility and hope for prosperity. The egg has long been a symbol of fertility. When Christianity began spreading, the people were hard put to discard their celebrations, so they were adapted to Christianity. Christmas is another celebration adopted by the Christians. Jesus had nothing to do with either of them."

Basically, in a nut shell, Easter is a tradition based on tribal tales where we can't differentiate between fact and fiction of what little of the story is left. We have no idea where the fuck (punny) this holiday came from or what it means. I can't tell you if you are going to burn in hell for celebrating it, even with the focus on Jesus Christ, or not. I can't speak for God. I can't speak for you. All I can say is Christ taught Love. That's the gist of the Bible. It says God is Love. Jesus did nothing but show an example of Love. Even when Jesus disagreed, He was still all about Love.

So analyze what you want to analyze, but the important thing is it's Easter. Go love your lover in ways that justify Christ's resurrection. Happy Hump Day, I mean Happy Easter. Frolic and don't forget the bread and wine WINE WINE did I mention WINE.

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