Shower Confessions of the Not so Hot and Steamy

Over at More than Cheese and Beer, she does a weekly Sunday Confessions. This week's topic: Things I Do in the Shower. 

First off, I should confess. I don't shower much anymore. I became a mom, and I did good for years to shower enough, but somewhere between losing my mind and losing my sanity, I got in a funk and I struggle to do anything I'm supposed to do like the dishes, laundry, pick up the house, etc. And that includes taking a shower, bleaching my mustache, removing unwanted hairs, doing a pedicure, and, well, hmmm, everything else I can think of seems to fall under the category of removing unwanted hairs. I remove a lot of unwanted hairs. And when it comes to peeling my ass off a seat and crossing something off the overwhelming to-do list, I usually end up cleaning the house instead of cleaning myself because the house is a more obvious mess. So with that said, some days I "shower" by drenching my head in hair spray (it smells as good as shampoo), putting on deodorant, and dousing myself in perfume. Sometimes I go really crazy and brush my teeth.

I mean I do shower, and much more frequently than I remove unwanted hairs, but it's just not like I used to, I mean not like I did before I had kids. I think maybe it's possible I just got used to showering like the earlier years of the children, described in an old post here... You should read that old post when you're done with this one. I have a Mommy Field Hygiene guide in there. That is much more useful and realistic than any of the teasers you see on the cover of a magazine.

So the few times I'm in the shower, these are things I do:

1. Scrub it. Of course I'm not showering when I scrub the shower down, but I do get in the shower to do it. I used to shower and scrub the shower at the same time, like clean the shower naked real quick, and then take one. I haven't done that lately because it's only for quick scrub downs, cleaning a clean shower, and my shower is never clean enough to do it that way anymore. I should add, it's not disgusting either because I can't shower in a disgusting shower. 

2. Sing, "Ain't nobody dope as me I'm just so fresh so clean..." And sometimes, "nu nunu nunu nunu nu can't touch this..." 

3. I hate to confess this because it's so personal, but I do, sometimes get in the mood, and you know, use Herbal Essence shampoo. I don't always scream like the girl in the commercial... ok I never do, the product is false advertising. 

4. Stick my wet boobs on the shower curtain and look at the print left behind. I haven't done that in a while, and I won't do it when the shower curtain needs changed (I never clean the shower curtain, I just change it up). Since I always buy clear shower curtains, I should do that some time when the husband is taking a crap next to me and see if he notices. You know. Romance. 

5. Make my tummy talk. Grab the fat and smoosh it to make it talk like a puppet. It says things like, "You a sexy beast." 

6. Watch my fat wiggle. And my boobs sometimes. I'm already dancing to, "Ain't nobody dope as me I'm just so fresh so clean..." Things wiggle when I do that, and I kind of like looking at it. Especially my butt. 

7. Pray. Yeah I didn't mean to juxtapose prayer with Outkast and fat jiggles, but I do pray a lot in the shower. It's my alone time, where I just hear the water running, and I'm bare. Naked. Like something about that is very symbolic to how I feel. 

8. Shave. I guess a lot of women use shaving cream, I don't. I don't use soap either (not for shaving, like I use soap to wash myself). I just shave in the water. I generally also shave my legs standing up, so I stretch too at the same time. It's like yoga and showering at once. Productive huh?

9. Ok, one I'm really embarrassed to share, but I think all women do this and it's about time we go public with this. And it's so embarrassing when my husband peeps in the curtain while I'm in the middle of this ritual. Every shower, I remove the hair from my butt and crotch, not butt hair. Hair from my head that washed down my back for the crack of my ass to catch. If you don't remove it, you are talking like future rug burn and awkward sex.

10. I take hot and steamy showers, so that means I'm usually the first to die in a horror movie, supposedly. I know you all are thinking, "She's naked, unarmed, vulnerable, and can't see through that steam..." Bull shit. I'll fuck him up with some soap in the eye and then shove the shower hose down his pants and turn it on, no no not hot water, I'm much more sadistic than that. Cold water. And while his manhood is shriveling up, I'd go arm myself because killing a bad guy is so much easier than loading all the children in the car to drive them to safety.