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Crumpets and Bollocks: The Stranger Parent Support Group

The Stranger Parent Support Group

The following is a completely true story. The dialogue is a rough read, but read it. You need to understand the dynamics before the story's end. This happened. Yesterday. 

Soon after I picked up the two oldest from school, they asked the 3 year old where she got her Scooby Doo Collar. Sonic. Kid's Meal. Breakfast. So I guess I had to drive thru Sonic again. I finally get there after stopping for gas, and I pull up to the drive thru...

Sonic Speaker: Welcome to Sonic. May I take your order?

3 year old: I HAVE TO PEE!

Me: "Can you hold it?"

3 year old: No

Me: You're wearing a pull up, hold it. Hi, I'll have a... Hold on one second...
Gabby what do you want?

Gabby: Corn Dog.

Me: I'll take a Corn Dog Kid's Meal with the Scooby Doo Collar and an Apple Juice. And I'll take..
Solma what do you want? Cheeseburger?

Solma: Yes. Cheeseburger.

Annie: I HAVE TO PEE!

Me: Hold on Annie. I'll take a Cheeseburger

Annie: I dropped Squeak Squeak! Squeaky SQUEAKY!!!!

Me: (turn around, pick up squeaky, the toy, and hand it back to Annie) A cheeseburger kid's meal add tomato with the scooby doo collar and an apple juice.

Sonic Speaker: So you want a Corn Dog Kid Meal and a Cheeseburger Kid's Meal add...

Gabby: Stop!

Solma: You Stop.

Annie: I have to pee now mommy. I have to go.

Gabby: I want a Squeaky, where did she get Squeak Squeak?

Me: Stop Fighting. I'm trying to order your food. You will pee in a minute child. What did you say?

Sonic Speaker: So you want a Corn Dog and Cheeseburger add tomato kids meal with....

Solma: (GIRLY SQUEAL SCREAM)

Gabby: STOP IT

Annie: I don't want Apple Juice.

Me: Kids be quiet.

Gabby: Solma started it. Mommy. Mom. Mommy Solma started it.

Solma: No she's lying. (begin tears)

Sonic Guy: and Apple Juice. Anything else?

Me: I have absolutely no idea what you just said. I'm sorry. You have a Cheeseburger add tomato and Corn dog kids meal with Apple Juice?

Sonic Guy: Yes.

Me: Okay, then I'll take. Uh hold on a minute.
Annie, what do you want?

Annie: I want to pee.

Me: No, what do you want to eat?

Annie: I have to pee. I want to pee. Not food. Pee.

Me: But after you pee, what do you want to eat?

Annie: Pee first then food.

Me: She'll take a cheeseburger Kid's meal with apple juice.

Sonic Guy: Is there anything else?

Gabby: I want a burrito. Yeah, do they have burritos? Get me a burrito mom. Yummm Burrito.

Me: Ugh, Gabby do you want a corn dog or not?

Gabby: Mom, I have to tell you this story.

Me: No Gabby, just answer the damned question. Do you want a corn dog?

Gabby: But, ugh, YES I JUST WANT THE CORN DOG

Solma (Still Crying)

Annie: I HAVE TO PEE I HAVE TO PEE I HAVE TO PEE I HAVE TO PEE

Gabby: But I still want a burrito too. Corn dog. No make it a corn dog. Remember when I got a burrito?

Solma: Gabby is lying. She started it. (more crying)

Me: Breaking Point Psycho Scream. SHUT THE FUCK UP. SHUT UP NOW. OR I'M LEAVING WITHOUT FOOD. LET ME ORDER YOUR FOOD THAT I'M GETTING FOR YOU TO GIVE YOU YOUR WAY. Like why troll getting your own food?

Kids: Silence.

Me: Calmly Silently Gently Mood Swing. Yes, I'll take the New York Dog as a meal with a Diet Coke.

Sonic Guy: Fries? Tots? Or Onion Rings?

Me: I think I'll do Onion Rings.

Sonic Guy: Is that it?

Me: For the love of everything sacred I hope so.

So I get up to the window and the guy greets me with a big smile, "So How's your day?" I just looked at him. I wasn't trying to convey, "What the fuck do you think?" or "are you seriously asking me this question?" even though I'm sure that was the message I did convey. No really I was trying to think of a witty response. I had none. My creativity was completely siphoned and all that remained was the ice pic jamming sensation on my right temple (the beginning of a good migraine).

He takes my card, hands me drinks, returns card... Hands me food. One bag at a time I get this food. As we completed the order...

Me: I'm so sorry my kids are psycho. They are always their worst after school. Something about school.

Sonic Guy: That's ok. I have four of them so I know how you feel.

At that point, we held hands through the drive through window and I gazed intently into his eyes, "I love you. I sincerely hope you have a good day."

He clutched my hand tighter and looking deep into my eyes and said, "It's okay honey. It's okay. You have a good day too."

Even better. He looked a lot like this guy...


Highlight of my day today.

Two types of stranger parents. 
A classification that has absolutely no psychological, nor empirical background, 
nor does it require a test to achieve the label. 

Type A for Asshole's Asshat. 

These people will tell you to control your kids, offer a condom, and don't forget the dirty look. These are also the people who do the, "Oh you poor kid I can't believe your mom lets you go around with your hair in your face, nevermind that you are 3 and rip out all hair things..." They are judgy parents who find their criticism of other people to be comforting to them. Whether they are stroking their own ego like it's a porno dick, or projecting one of their own imperfections hoping you might not notice it if they talk shit about you instead, or whatever Freudian stuff goes on with that, these people find pleasure in your misery. They are the judges. Pointer outers. Problem enhancers. Emotional triggers. Bullies. Irrational and impossible.


Type B for Belvedere Blossoms.


This type of parent empathizes and shows compassion, and often offers great wisdom and advice. They are counselors. Pep talkers. Problem solvers. Helpers. Huggers. Forgivers. Realistic and Rational. They are the village you were looking for, the one that it takes to raise a kid in. They are a breath of fresh air, like a flower, and assist (usually unintentionally) in the growth of a person as an individual and a parent.

My Sonic Guy was a Belvedere Blossom. And I thank him for it.


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Crumpets and Bollocks: The Stranger Parent Support Group

Thursday, September 19, 2013

The Stranger Parent Support Group

The following is a completely true story. The dialogue is a rough read, but read it. You need to understand the dynamics before the story's end. This happened. Yesterday. 

Soon after I picked up the two oldest from school, they asked the 3 year old where she got her Scooby Doo Collar. Sonic. Kid's Meal. Breakfast. So I guess I had to drive thru Sonic again. I finally get there after stopping for gas, and I pull up to the drive thru...

Sonic Speaker: Welcome to Sonic. May I take your order?

3 year old: I HAVE TO PEE!

Me: "Can you hold it?"

3 year old: No

Me: You're wearing a pull up, hold it. Hi, I'll have a... Hold on one second...
Gabby what do you want?

Gabby: Corn Dog.

Me: I'll take a Corn Dog Kid's Meal with the Scooby Doo Collar and an Apple Juice. And I'll take..
Solma what do you want? Cheeseburger?

Solma: Yes. Cheeseburger.

Annie: I HAVE TO PEE!

Me: Hold on Annie. I'll take a Cheeseburger

Annie: I dropped Squeak Squeak! Squeaky SQUEAKY!!!!

Me: (turn around, pick up squeaky, the toy, and hand it back to Annie) A cheeseburger kid's meal add tomato with the scooby doo collar and an apple juice.

Sonic Speaker: So you want a Corn Dog Kid Meal and a Cheeseburger Kid's Meal add...

Gabby: Stop!

Solma: You Stop.

Annie: I have to pee now mommy. I have to go.

Gabby: I want a Squeaky, where did she get Squeak Squeak?

Me: Stop Fighting. I'm trying to order your food. You will pee in a minute child. What did you say?

Sonic Speaker: So you want a Corn Dog and Cheeseburger add tomato kids meal with....

Solma: (GIRLY SQUEAL SCREAM)

Gabby: STOP IT

Annie: I don't want Apple Juice.

Me: Kids be quiet.

Gabby: Solma started it. Mommy. Mom. Mommy Solma started it.

Solma: No she's lying. (begin tears)

Sonic Guy: and Apple Juice. Anything else?

Me: I have absolutely no idea what you just said. I'm sorry. You have a Cheeseburger add tomato and Corn dog kids meal with Apple Juice?

Sonic Guy: Yes.

Me: Okay, then I'll take. Uh hold on a minute.
Annie, what do you want?

Annie: I want to pee.

Me: No, what do you want to eat?

Annie: I have to pee. I want to pee. Not food. Pee.

Me: But after you pee, what do you want to eat?

Annie: Pee first then food.

Me: She'll take a cheeseburger Kid's meal with apple juice.

Sonic Guy: Is there anything else?

Gabby: I want a burrito. Yeah, do they have burritos? Get me a burrito mom. Yummm Burrito.

Me: Ugh, Gabby do you want a corn dog or not?

Gabby: Mom, I have to tell you this story.

Me: No Gabby, just answer the damned question. Do you want a corn dog?

Gabby: But, ugh, YES I JUST WANT THE CORN DOG

Solma (Still Crying)

Annie: I HAVE TO PEE I HAVE TO PEE I HAVE TO PEE I HAVE TO PEE

Gabby: But I still want a burrito too. Corn dog. No make it a corn dog. Remember when I got a burrito?

Solma: Gabby is lying. She started it. (more crying)

Me: Breaking Point Psycho Scream. SHUT THE FUCK UP. SHUT UP NOW. OR I'M LEAVING WITHOUT FOOD. LET ME ORDER YOUR FOOD THAT I'M GETTING FOR YOU TO GIVE YOU YOUR WAY. Like why troll getting your own food?

Kids: Silence.

Me: Calmly Silently Gently Mood Swing. Yes, I'll take the New York Dog as a meal with a Diet Coke.

Sonic Guy: Fries? Tots? Or Onion Rings?

Me: I think I'll do Onion Rings.

Sonic Guy: Is that it?

Me: For the love of everything sacred I hope so.

So I get up to the window and the guy greets me with a big smile, "So How's your day?" I just looked at him. I wasn't trying to convey, "What the fuck do you think?" or "are you seriously asking me this question?" even though I'm sure that was the message I did convey. No really I was trying to think of a witty response. I had none. My creativity was completely siphoned and all that remained was the ice pic jamming sensation on my right temple (the beginning of a good migraine).

He takes my card, hands me drinks, returns card... Hands me food. One bag at a time I get this food. As we completed the order...

Me: I'm so sorry my kids are psycho. They are always their worst after school. Something about school.

Sonic Guy: That's ok. I have four of them so I know how you feel.

At that point, we held hands through the drive through window and I gazed intently into his eyes, "I love you. I sincerely hope you have a good day."

He clutched my hand tighter and looking deep into my eyes and said, "It's okay honey. It's okay. You have a good day too."

Even better. He looked a lot like this guy...


Highlight of my day today.

Two types of stranger parents. 
A classification that has absolutely no psychological, nor empirical background, 
nor does it require a test to achieve the label. 

Type A for Asshole's Asshat. 

These people will tell you to control your kids, offer a condom, and don't forget the dirty look. These are also the people who do the, "Oh you poor kid I can't believe your mom lets you go around with your hair in your face, nevermind that you are 3 and rip out all hair things..." They are judgy parents who find their criticism of other people to be comforting to them. Whether they are stroking their own ego like it's a porno dick, or projecting one of their own imperfections hoping you might not notice it if they talk shit about you instead, or whatever Freudian stuff goes on with that, these people find pleasure in your misery. They are the judges. Pointer outers. Problem enhancers. Emotional triggers. Bullies. Irrational and impossible.


Type B for Belvedere Blossoms.


This type of parent empathizes and shows compassion, and often offers great wisdom and advice. They are counselors. Pep talkers. Problem solvers. Helpers. Huggers. Forgivers. Realistic and Rational. They are the village you were looking for, the one that it takes to raise a kid in. They are a breath of fresh air, like a flower, and assist (usually unintentionally) in the growth of a person as an individual and a parent.

My Sonic Guy was a Belvedere Blossom. And I thank him for it.


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