Message to Men: The Musical

Because BatMiley always has Robin, people think you are an a-hole if you talk about Miley without talking about Robin, so since I already talked about Miley, this is my way to complete the BatMiley and Robin saga. Actually, I mean these people to be metaphorical. Miley is the objectified piece of meat bad example we women can all learn what NOT to do from as explained in all the slut shaming posts. Robin is the objectifier we all forget to blame in this man vs woman battle that has gone on since God took a chunk of Adam's rib (it probably didn't go down exactly like that, the taking of the rib). I can't really sit here and blogger spank Miley for her behavior telling all the women out there, "Don't do that," and not have something to say about the men.

Message to Young Women: The Musical

(my post about Miley)

Now this one is for the Men. The manly men. The macho macho men...

There's actually two syndromes that do not exist in the DSM that many men suffer from that also seemingly attack the feminist concept directly due to their feelings of inadequacy. The first one is short man syndrome. Small penises will turn a real man into a douche canoe. It's almost like they overcompensate with douchebaggery. If your dick is small, at least your douche bag is huge. Not attractive guys. The second syndrome that doesn't exist in the world of APA, Macho Man Syndrome. Pretty boys. Guys who don't have the body of Larry the Lobster off Spongebob, regardless of how much effort and time they spend on it at the gym. It appears men in these circumstances are concerned about two things. How women perceive them. How other men perceive them. 

How do we women perceive you? 

So my first message to men everywhere, get over your penis. Do you really think you need a big penis to satisfy a woman? Here's some insider information on women. A, a big penis generally scares off women who have yet to push out a baby from her pie hole. B, a big penis pretty much ensures that anal will never happen for you. Women are actually more comfortable around bite sized awesome when it comes to experimenting with uncomfortable concepts. That also includes oral sex. We could choke and die from porno sized penises trying to perform oral on that, and we even have a bigger fear about oral than choking and dying. It's vomiting all over your dick. We just don't want something that epically embarrassing lingering around our reputation, and the bigger it is, the more deep throating that is required, and deep throating leads to vomiting. C, you don't even need a penis to satisfy a woman in ways beyond her wildest imagination. Don't believe me? Ask a lesbian. Most of our lady bits that like to be fondled are pretty close to the front. Most of your tongues should be able to reach it. 

Now, the macho man syndrome. A woman's idealization of what a man SHOULD be usually comes from her father. If her dad is not a macho man, you definitely don't have to worry about it. Yes women like muscles, but muscles won't guarantee that you will get laid. When we women share pictures of muscular models dressed as cowboys and firefighters, whether it's on Facebook or a magazine, we may say we love that, but nine times out of ten, we don't want to actually have sex with that, or even a relationship with it. It's just eye candy and nothing more. See, we don't look at dick like it's chocolate, give it to me now. We look at it like it's a toilet. Is it clean enough to sit on? 

Women do this too. We all screw up the gender paradigm of sexy. Most women believe what is attractive for a female, what you men want, what they aspire to be, is blond (even if bleached), anorexia skinny, big boobs (even if it's toilet paper in their bra), a firm ass, clown face makeup, high heels to appear taller and make the legs look skinny, skin cancer tan, appear barely old enough to legally fuck, be so stupid you can't talk about much, and be very passive let you take charge and all responsibility for things without a break. Yeah. Sound like what you want? You men do it too. You base your concept of what is sexy to us women on media hype just like we women do. Macho men with the perfect abs is not what women want. I think most people of substance are just looking for the truth. Someone who doesn't play games. Someone who can keep it real. The rest is just social charades. 

How do men perceive you? 

Why are you men so afraid of being perceived as gay? That's the number one insult I hear amongst boys. I think more men suffer from homophobia than women. That is not something I know to have statistics to say I'm right, but I bet I am right. There is nothing wrong with being gay. It is not a bad thing. If you like rainbows and women, that's ok. You are allowed to like both rainbows and women. In fact, women are very attractive to girlier men. We want someone who can enjoy shopping with us and help us match our clothes. I don't leave the house sometimes without the husband dressing me because I suck at matching my own clothes. I write about fashion. I got paid to write about fashion. My husband dresses me when it's important that I look good. I love it. I love not worrying about it. 

Regardless, what does this all boil down to? You are not actually worried about what women think of you. You are worried about what other men think of you. If you do not feel manly enough to hang with the big boys, if you do not feel Alpha Dog enough, if your mustache isn't thick enough, if you do not feel like your penis is the biggest penis in the room, you take it out on us women. You then try to prove yourself by objectifying women because nothing appears more manly and powerful than owning a pet who respects her master. It's like your way of saying, "Well I'm still manly enough for this party because look at how I dominated the bitch here. Stop sassing me bitch, go make me a sammich." That's when your douchebag overcompensates for your penis size. 

Instead of doing that, why don't you, I don't know, grow a fucking self-esteem? Confidence is sexy. If you desire to get laid, replace the fake arrogance with a little confidence. If you really want to prove to the men that you are manly, show them you are manly enough to take charge. That you can decide to wear pink and rock it better than they could. That you can respect women better than they could. That their lack of respect for women is unmanly. That you are smarter and more advanced to require more than some tits and ass to swing your dingaling. That you know how to love and how to be loved, and that you take good care of those you love better than anyone else could. That you are better than macho man, you are a lion who has pride in your pride, in your family, in your loved ones. That you are the epitome of what it means to be a man, fuck the hype. 

That IS what it takes to be a man. To take charge of not women, but of the other men. 

Look around at the men who are doing that. Guess who they did dominate after all? Women. Because we are attracted to men like that. We really want to be loved and taken care of. We don't want to be servants, but princesses. We want to feel smart, sexy, and beautiful. And we don't feel those things when all you are concerned about is our ability to twerk it in front of your penis half naked 3 sheets to the wind. When all you want to do is shut us up by sticking your penis in our mouth. If you wanted a hole to stick it in, you know you can just fuck a warm apple pie just the same. It's plump. There's also your left hand, which if that's all you want from us women, it's very possible that's the only thing your hand is good for, a good monkey spank. 

Let's look at Robin Thicke in this video. I actually imagine Robin to be one of those gentle lovers if he's active in the bedroom, but I also imagine him to do a lot of just laying there as well. Why do I think that? Because in a video like this, he does a lot of laying there standing around doing nothing making the woman do all the work. Just laying there is not manly. It's lazy. 

The way you men look at us women like you want it. I know you want it. Like Pharrell watching that girl dance... you look pathetic. Stop it. That's about as macho as getting a hard on in school when the old lady teacher Mrs Bentwood bends over showing the top of her knee highs. Have you ever sat down to eat your dinner, a big meal, something so good you want to savor every bite and enjoy this meal, and then the dog comes over sticking his paw on your thigh giving you the doggie eyes that scream, "Please give me a piece of your chicken?" And you tell the dog to go away, and he won't. He won't leave you the fuck alone. He may not be barking, but his begging is annoying the ever living piss out of you that you cannot enjoy your dinner. Yeah, that's what you men do to us. You are the fucking annoying begging nagging dog. 

Sit. Stay. Roll over and play dead. Good boy. Feel macho now? 

And why must you grab your dicks when you dance? Do you see us women grabbing our boobs? No. It's just silly. Stop it. Quit touching it. You might wake up the sleeping dragon and it will just fuck up your night trying to fuck everything. 

There's more to life than sex. While sex is a story about passion usually with a happy ending, there's often a sequel that entails tragedy of disease and the struggle of parenthood. Because there's more to life than sex, please tell me there is more to you than it, because if all you are about is poking people with your stick, you are a whore. That's it. A crackhead whore whose opinion is worth nothing. Robin Thicke, his opinion does not matter. It's okay Robin, just sit there do that little smile, aww bless his heart, now go watch some football and grille something, let us grown ups talk here. His father, however, has a lot more to bring to the table. Alan, come over here, we want to know what you think about your son objectifying himself in sexual manners on television. Miley's dad didn't seem to care when she did it. Please tell me you disagree. 

The biggest message I want to send to all you... YOUR DICK IS NOT A USED CAR. Quit trying to sell it. Fuck. The haggling. Please buy my dick. Please suck it. Please fuck it. No, I'm not trying to sleep with you. I just want to kiss you. I promise I won't let it go too far. Just let me kiss you. What's so wrong about a kiss? Awww, I love that kiss, now let me just touch your lady parts. Please let me touch it. Why don't you touch mine? We aren't going to have sex. I swear on my grandfather's grave I won't have sex with you. We are just messing around a little, please touch it. I'm just taking off your pants, it's not like we are going to fuck. What's so wrong about me sticking my dick in one of your holes? It's not like I'm asking you to have sex with my friends? Actually, if you don't mind, my boy over here could use some love too. Shut the fuck up already. 

Really, do us all a favor. Before you show up to our date, masturbate. Please. Please PLEASE PLEASE. Maybe if you masturbate, your dick won't be so fucking annoying.

To all you men who already have your penises on a leash, thank you. Thank you for being a real man, for dominating the hardest, and I mean HARDEST, thing possible to dominate. Control your wood, my sexy lumberjack. 

 

ALSO please understand one thing. Rape is wrong. It's not a joke. If someone shoved an umbrella up your ass and opened it, would you want the world to think you asked for it by the way you dress and act? Because a lot of you DO ASK FOR IT with your douchebaggery. See, that would just be insensitive of me to think that way wouldn't it? Aw come on, quit making up shit. I know you want it. I know you want it. Yes, I too can tear your ass in two. 

Let our lady nuts go biatch.