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Crumpets and Bollocks: My favorite point of decay

My favorite point of decay

Finish the Sentence Friday writing prompt: My favorite decade was...

My favorite decade was this really...

 Whats Cooking America

It's not really a decade. It's decadence. which has decade in it. 

But as far as time is concerned, I don't really have a favorite. Every moment in history, from the beginning of time as we know it, has had a lot of bad things and good things. I have decades I don't particularly care for like anything associated to Crusades, WWII, things like that, I really think those decades probably sucked monkey balls, which is worse than man balls because have you ever smelled the monkey section at the zoo? 

But favorite is a relative term. I was born during the 70's, so I don't really remember much of that decade except for what I read about it. Decades I've experienced, I liked the 80's and 90's better than the turn of the century stuff. 

The 80's let you dress weird like it was cool. I totally enjoyed teasing my hair and wearing socks over my pants and dreaming of having the body and social circle of women in the movies. It was the decade I wanted to be grown up in because of the parties and lack of regulation, so it kind of marks my desire to be grown. A sign of childhood innocence, where life was about amusing yourself and nothing more really. 

The 90's was awesome because my dad was alive through most of it where I have the most memories of him. My high school crush got me through the day motivating me to do homework and try at least a little. I still dream of being in high school where I actually dress up on occasion, something I didn't really know how to do back in the day. You know, look hot. Dressed by the guidance of Cosmo and Seventeen Magazine. The problem with the 90's is I didn't realize how beautiful I was back then, and I didn't have any confidence really. But I was surrounded by people who loved me and took care of me. 

The first decade of the 21st century, that wasn't bad either. The economy didn't quite suck yet. I knew I was beautiful and enjoyed the single life. I dreamt of true love a lot. Finding it. But I was content being single because I'm the type who likes to take care of someone, and single, I got to take care of friends, something that doesn't happen as often when you are married with children because a family will monopolize your time and effort. I went to the club a lot. Danced. Drank. Party city where you just live by working hard and playing harder. It was like there was a balance in my life, but an emptiness in my heart.

The next decade, 4 years into it, so we are talking part of the last decade and this one, I found love. I got married. I had children. Now life isn't balanced, and while I filled quite a bit of an emptiness in my heart, it still feels empty many times. That's because there is no balance. I'm all work and no play. Despair without much hope. My life revolves around my husband and children that there just isn't time to take care of myself or any friendship I may have once had with people. I want to love my children and I want that love to be enough, but depression, she's a nasty bitch. Between autism, PTSD, chronic severe sleep deprivation, and continuing depression resulting from neglecting myself, I am fucking crazy. I've attracted so many demons into my life, my mind, that sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get my life back. My past keeps haunting me, everything from it, the insecurities, the fears, the glory, the pain... I've dug myself in a hole so deep, I can't climb out of it, so I'm just waiting for Prince Charming to come save me from my own dragon prison, whether Prince Charming is my husband, my mother, an illusion, God, some other guy or my own children, anyone or anything because desperation is a bigger bitch than depression. And will someone come rescue me? Probably not. So here I am, trying to climb not a mountain to conquer, but a cliff I created with a shovel and some quick sand. I'd be very happy at sea level again. 

So I guess metaphorically speaking, a decade of my experience is a point in my life. My childhood innocence to the whore I was destined to become. Which one is my favorite? I am hoping it's a decade I have yet to experience, one that I will get to someday. A decade where I am on top of my game where things like cleaning the house and making it on time are not as difficult to accomplish. A decade where time and space are working for me as opposed to against me. A time where my mind, body and soul are healthy and capable. A decade where I enjoy my family and friends and their love. A decade where good conquers evil, and God embraces me with love, peace and understanding. A time where I don't have to fight anymore. A time where I feel alive again and finally just be. A painless point in history where I take care of the people I love the way they need to be taken care of, and they take care of me. 

Has anyone else noticed decade is a lot like decayed? Isn't that what happens after time? 

Labels: ,

Crumpets and Bollocks: My favorite point of decay

Friday, March 14, 2014

My favorite point of decay

Finish the Sentence Friday writing prompt: My favorite decade was...

My favorite decade was this really...

 Whats Cooking America

It's not really a decade. It's decadence. which has decade in it. 

But as far as time is concerned, I don't really have a favorite. Every moment in history, from the beginning of time as we know it, has had a lot of bad things and good things. I have decades I don't particularly care for like anything associated to Crusades, WWII, things like that, I really think those decades probably sucked monkey balls, which is worse than man balls because have you ever smelled the monkey section at the zoo? 

But favorite is a relative term. I was born during the 70's, so I don't really remember much of that decade except for what I read about it. Decades I've experienced, I liked the 80's and 90's better than the turn of the century stuff. 

The 80's let you dress weird like it was cool. I totally enjoyed teasing my hair and wearing socks over my pants and dreaming of having the body and social circle of women in the movies. It was the decade I wanted to be grown up in because of the parties and lack of regulation, so it kind of marks my desire to be grown. A sign of childhood innocence, where life was about amusing yourself and nothing more really. 

The 90's was awesome because my dad was alive through most of it where I have the most memories of him. My high school crush got me through the day motivating me to do homework and try at least a little. I still dream of being in high school where I actually dress up on occasion, something I didn't really know how to do back in the day. You know, look hot. Dressed by the guidance of Cosmo and Seventeen Magazine. The problem with the 90's is I didn't realize how beautiful I was back then, and I didn't have any confidence really. But I was surrounded by people who loved me and took care of me. 

The first decade of the 21st century, that wasn't bad either. The economy didn't quite suck yet. I knew I was beautiful and enjoyed the single life. I dreamt of true love a lot. Finding it. But I was content being single because I'm the type who likes to take care of someone, and single, I got to take care of friends, something that doesn't happen as often when you are married with children because a family will monopolize your time and effort. I went to the club a lot. Danced. Drank. Party city where you just live by working hard and playing harder. It was like there was a balance in my life, but an emptiness in my heart.

The next decade, 4 years into it, so we are talking part of the last decade and this one, I found love. I got married. I had children. Now life isn't balanced, and while I filled quite a bit of an emptiness in my heart, it still feels empty many times. That's because there is no balance. I'm all work and no play. Despair without much hope. My life revolves around my husband and children that there just isn't time to take care of myself or any friendship I may have once had with people. I want to love my children and I want that love to be enough, but depression, she's a nasty bitch. Between autism, PTSD, chronic severe sleep deprivation, and continuing depression resulting from neglecting myself, I am fucking crazy. I've attracted so many demons into my life, my mind, that sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get my life back. My past keeps haunting me, everything from it, the insecurities, the fears, the glory, the pain... I've dug myself in a hole so deep, I can't climb out of it, so I'm just waiting for Prince Charming to come save me from my own dragon prison, whether Prince Charming is my husband, my mother, an illusion, God, some other guy or my own children, anyone or anything because desperation is a bigger bitch than depression. And will someone come rescue me? Probably not. So here I am, trying to climb not a mountain to conquer, but a cliff I created with a shovel and some quick sand. I'd be very happy at sea level again. 

So I guess metaphorically speaking, a decade of my experience is a point in my life. My childhood innocence to the whore I was destined to become. Which one is my favorite? I am hoping it's a decade I have yet to experience, one that I will get to someday. A decade where I am on top of my game where things like cleaning the house and making it on time are not as difficult to accomplish. A decade where time and space are working for me as opposed to against me. A time where my mind, body and soul are healthy and capable. A decade where I enjoy my family and friends and their love. A decade where good conquers evil, and God embraces me with love, peace and understanding. A time where I don't have to fight anymore. A time where I feel alive again and finally just be. A painless point in history where I take care of the people I love the way they need to be taken care of, and they take care of me. 

Has anyone else noticed decade is a lot like decayed? Isn't that what happens after time? 

Labels: ,

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