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Crumpets and Bollocks: Dear Lance Corporal Wannabe Kanye West

Dear Lance Corporal Wannabe Kanye West

Warning: I flip flop between writing an article to the masses and writing a letter to Kanye directly. Why? Because I am a mom. So I multitask, and I'm a woman. I naturally have 3 conversations going on at once with myself alone. 

Kanye West compared himself to the police and being at war because he risks his life on stage doing his dances, like he's Michael Jackson or Usher or something. I personally find it hilarious. I mean comparing himself to Jackie Chan doing his own stunts would still be a huge stretch because we know Kanye ain't no Kung Fu Fighter. Even Jackie Chan's dance moves are hotter and more dangerous than Kanye. But the cops and military?

When I first heard this story, I didn't really flinch even though I'm a veteran, but that's because he compares himself to God, I mean the man interrupted Taylor Swift to talk about Beyonce, and he created leather jogging pants or made it hot or something. That's Kanye. No one but Kanye takes Kanye seriously.

But Kanye is right that celebrity life is dangerous. Us little people have a hard time grasping that, but we know after TuPac, Biggie, and Princess Diana that celebrity life is dangerous. Celebrities have the world watching them, some loving them, others hating them, and usually all get hate mail and threatening letters with intent to kill. I mean have you not seen the Bodyguard? Kevin Costner can't be there for everyone at once to make it less dangerous.

But even that, that's nothing like the military. I wish our soldiers in Afghanistan were only concerned with falling from their dance moves intead of what they do experience. I mean come on now Kanye, do you have PTSD from brushing the brains of your brother off your face? I know the streets are rough, but Compton ain't shit compared to Afghanistan, and you Kanye ain't no real thug. The OG's don't consider you rap. You are the type to avoid the ghetto because you know you'd get robbed.

But let's assume for one minute that Kanye is in real danger. Let's assume bullets did fly across his face while he was on stage. My question is this...

Dear Kanye West, do you risk your life for less than 20,000 dollars a year?

Someone please send the poor man some MRE's. He's in a war zone on stage. He needs MRE's. Careful, the cheese DOES back you up Kanye. Something to help him finish out his contract. I mean it's not like the poor man can just quit and go home. And send him some pictures of his family. I'm sure he misses them when he's on stage. Oh, you should totally play some Call of Duty for training. It's the same thing really it is. That will make you basically infantry.

Seriously though, Kanye, don't be a punk ass. Join the military like the cop suggested. Enlist. Do it. Do it and prove to the world you are a badass. Oh wait, you can't get in. Sorry. Snap. Forgot, you can't even pass the drug test to get in. You should try anyway. Your recruiter would enjoy the good laugh.

For real. Kanye. Giving your body to protect your country for close to nothing is called being a warrior. Giving your body to the stage for millions of dollars is called being a whore. You are no soldier. You are an overglorified stripper.

I'm sorry for the real talk here Kanye. Yes part of me knows you will never read this, but another part of me feels sorry for you if you do because it's not sugar coated at all. I am most certain your ego would survive it noneoftheless. In case you do read it, I really did like 808's and Heartbreak.

And to the general public, brace yourself, it's all sweet you are making this story and the cop's letter in response to it go viral like you support our armed services and what not, but really if you did, why the fuck is Kanye making so much money and our soldiers are not? When was the last time they got a raise? Obama would give them a raise if the liberals wanted that to happen. Lets not even get to the subject of veteran care. We vets know what our country really cares about. It's Kanye, risking his life on stage. His news is more important to you than what's going down overseas. A story about his leather jogging pants means more to you than the stories about our brothers we lost in war. We know this, and we still would sign up again and make that oath to protect your ass. Now that's something I know Kanye isn't about.


This is the letter than inspired this post. The cop ended his letter quoting the same rap artist who once said Fuck the Police. Irony. Ain't nuthin to it. Gangsta rap must of made him do it. No for real, thank you Chief Oliver for your service in the police force. And thank you for the letter. I loved reading it. I'm a little jealous I didn't write one first because I would have so ended it with the Check Yo Self before you Wreck Yo Self. I love that song. I love it more than I love MC Hammer's "Can't touch this."

PS Quoting Ice Cube makes you a badass. Quoting Kanye West does not.

Open letter from Police Chief David Oliver to Kanye West
Dear Kanye West,

I am honored to be writing such an important star. I am a mere Internet sensation. I’m not sure I am worthy to address you, although the Huffington Post did say I was “Humorous and Insanely Popular.” I don’t pay much attention to those things. Anyway, please excuse my interference in your life for a quick second.

I read your interview and also watched it on video. You said:
“I’m just giving of my body on the stage and putting my life at risk, literally.….and I think about it. I think about my family and I’m like, wow, this is like being a police officer or something, in war or something.”

I want to thank you for putting your life on the line for all of us every day. I know that being a rapper is tough work. I have tried to rap, and it is very difficult to keep up with the pulse of the rhyme flow…although when Ice Ice Baby comes on the radio, I can usually keep up with ol’ Vanilla. Anywho, your job is just some very dangerous work. Most people don’t consider… if you rap really fast, without a chance to inhale, you could pass out and hit your head.

That last paragraph was covered in sarcasm. I’m letting you know, just so you do not think I agree with your very ignorant assessment of your career (or any other performer)as it relates to a person in the military or a police officer’s service. You sir, are as misguided as they come. I do have a suggestion for you. Since you are accustomed to danger, from your life as an international rapper, I am strongly encouraging you immediately abandon you career as a super star and join the military. After joining, I would like you to volunteer to be deployed in Afghanistan or one of the numerous other forward locations where our men an women are currently serving. When the Taliban starts shooting at you, perhaps you could stand up and let the words flow. It could be something like “I’m Kanye West, wearing a flak vest.” I’m sure they would just drop weapons and surrender. You could quite possibly end all wars, just from the enemy being star-struck.

Your line of thinking is part of the problem in the world today….which include entertainers thinking they are something more than just entertainers. I know it is supply and demand and the demand for your services is high. I get economics. What I do not get is you EVER comparing what you do for a living to our heroic military members, who are always in harm’s way… and my brother and sister police officers who have to go to work carrying weapons and wearing a bullet-proof vest to protect themselves.

Check yourself, before you wreck yourself….Chief Oliver



I named the file Oliver Kanye because it sounds like All Over Kanye. I am probably the only person that thinks that is funny.
A link to Chief's Facebook https://www.facebook.com/BrimfieldPolice

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Crumpets and Bollocks: Dear Lance Corporal Wannabe Kanye West

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Dear Lance Corporal Wannabe Kanye West

Warning: I flip flop between writing an article to the masses and writing a letter to Kanye directly. Why? Because I am a mom. So I multitask, and I'm a woman. I naturally have 3 conversations going on at once with myself alone. 

Kanye West compared himself to the police and being at war because he risks his life on stage doing his dances, like he's Michael Jackson or Usher or something. I personally find it hilarious. I mean comparing himself to Jackie Chan doing his own stunts would still be a huge stretch because we know Kanye ain't no Kung Fu Fighter. Even Jackie Chan's dance moves are hotter and more dangerous than Kanye. But the cops and military?

When I first heard this story, I didn't really flinch even though I'm a veteran, but that's because he compares himself to God, I mean the man interrupted Taylor Swift to talk about Beyonce, and he created leather jogging pants or made it hot or something. That's Kanye. No one but Kanye takes Kanye seriously.

But Kanye is right that celebrity life is dangerous. Us little people have a hard time grasping that, but we know after TuPac, Biggie, and Princess Diana that celebrity life is dangerous. Celebrities have the world watching them, some loving them, others hating them, and usually all get hate mail and threatening letters with intent to kill. I mean have you not seen the Bodyguard? Kevin Costner can't be there for everyone at once to make it less dangerous.

But even that, that's nothing like the military. I wish our soldiers in Afghanistan were only concerned with falling from their dance moves intead of what they do experience. I mean come on now Kanye, do you have PTSD from brushing the brains of your brother off your face? I know the streets are rough, but Compton ain't shit compared to Afghanistan, and you Kanye ain't no real thug. The OG's don't consider you rap. You are the type to avoid the ghetto because you know you'd get robbed.

But let's assume for one minute that Kanye is in real danger. Let's assume bullets did fly across his face while he was on stage. My question is this...

Dear Kanye West, do you risk your life for less than 20,000 dollars a year?

Someone please send the poor man some MRE's. He's in a war zone on stage. He needs MRE's. Careful, the cheese DOES back you up Kanye. Something to help him finish out his contract. I mean it's not like the poor man can just quit and go home. And send him some pictures of his family. I'm sure he misses them when he's on stage. Oh, you should totally play some Call of Duty for training. It's the same thing really it is. That will make you basically infantry.

Seriously though, Kanye, don't be a punk ass. Join the military like the cop suggested. Enlist. Do it. Do it and prove to the world you are a badass. Oh wait, you can't get in. Sorry. Snap. Forgot, you can't even pass the drug test to get in. You should try anyway. Your recruiter would enjoy the good laugh.

For real. Kanye. Giving your body to protect your country for close to nothing is called being a warrior. Giving your body to the stage for millions of dollars is called being a whore. You are no soldier. You are an overglorified stripper.

I'm sorry for the real talk here Kanye. Yes part of me knows you will never read this, but another part of me feels sorry for you if you do because it's not sugar coated at all. I am most certain your ego would survive it noneoftheless. In case you do read it, I really did like 808's and Heartbreak.

And to the general public, brace yourself, it's all sweet you are making this story and the cop's letter in response to it go viral like you support our armed services and what not, but really if you did, why the fuck is Kanye making so much money and our soldiers are not? When was the last time they got a raise? Obama would give them a raise if the liberals wanted that to happen. Lets not even get to the subject of veteran care. We vets know what our country really cares about. It's Kanye, risking his life on stage. His news is more important to you than what's going down overseas. A story about his leather jogging pants means more to you than the stories about our brothers we lost in war. We know this, and we still would sign up again and make that oath to protect your ass. Now that's something I know Kanye isn't about.


This is the letter than inspired this post. The cop ended his letter quoting the same rap artist who once said Fuck the Police. Irony. Ain't nuthin to it. Gangsta rap must of made him do it. No for real, thank you Chief Oliver for your service in the police force. And thank you for the letter. I loved reading it. I'm a little jealous I didn't write one first because I would have so ended it with the Check Yo Self before you Wreck Yo Self. I love that song. I love it more than I love MC Hammer's "Can't touch this."

PS Quoting Ice Cube makes you a badass. Quoting Kanye West does not.

Open letter from Police Chief David Oliver to Kanye West
Dear Kanye West,

I am honored to be writing such an important star. I am a mere Internet sensation. I’m not sure I am worthy to address you, although the Huffington Post did say I was “Humorous and Insanely Popular.” I don’t pay much attention to those things. Anyway, please excuse my interference in your life for a quick second.

I read your interview and also watched it on video. You said:
“I’m just giving of my body on the stage and putting my life at risk, literally.….and I think about it. I think about my family and I’m like, wow, this is like being a police officer or something, in war or something.”

I want to thank you for putting your life on the line for all of us every day. I know that being a rapper is tough work. I have tried to rap, and it is very difficult to keep up with the pulse of the rhyme flow…although when Ice Ice Baby comes on the radio, I can usually keep up with ol’ Vanilla. Anywho, your job is just some very dangerous work. Most people don’t consider… if you rap really fast, without a chance to inhale, you could pass out and hit your head.

That last paragraph was covered in sarcasm. I’m letting you know, just so you do not think I agree with your very ignorant assessment of your career (or any other performer)as it relates to a person in the military or a police officer’s service. You sir, are as misguided as they come. I do have a suggestion for you. Since you are accustomed to danger, from your life as an international rapper, I am strongly encouraging you immediately abandon you career as a super star and join the military. After joining, I would like you to volunteer to be deployed in Afghanistan or one of the numerous other forward locations where our men an women are currently serving. When the Taliban starts shooting at you, perhaps you could stand up and let the words flow. It could be something like “I’m Kanye West, wearing a flak vest.” I’m sure they would just drop weapons and surrender. You could quite possibly end all wars, just from the enemy being star-struck.

Your line of thinking is part of the problem in the world today….which include entertainers thinking they are something more than just entertainers. I know it is supply and demand and the demand for your services is high. I get economics. What I do not get is you EVER comparing what you do for a living to our heroic military members, who are always in harm’s way… and my brother and sister police officers who have to go to work carrying weapons and wearing a bullet-proof vest to protect themselves.

Check yourself, before you wreck yourself….Chief Oliver



I named the file Oliver Kanye because it sounds like All Over Kanye. I am probably the only person that thinks that is funny.
A link to Chief's Facebook https://www.facebook.com/BrimfieldPolice

Labels: , , ,

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