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Crumpets and Bollocks: Toys NOT to Get Kids as Gifts

Toys NOT to Get Kids as Gifts

Dear Santa:
CC: family, friends, strangers, and asshole parents at the school who bring stuff to the party

I'm on my knees begging, pleading, that you show mercy for mom this year. If you must know what my children really want for Christmas, it's stuff like cardboard boxes, paper towel cardboard thingy, plastic bins, and really expensive electronics. These are what my kids play with regardless of the thousands of dollars invested in toys that get dumped all over the floor so that my child can play with the bin.

The Barbie dolls are all nude missing not only a shoe, but the entire dress, which is probably in the corner of their closet doused in old dried up crusty ketchup with some Playdough chunk stuck to the skirt. I have a huge pile of puzzle pieces belonging to 3 different puzzles waiting for me to take the time to put them together to separate them. All the little pieces to the Dora House are scattered about the house, and when they are all in one place with the actual Dora Doll House, my kid doesn't use them. She just opens the house, closes it, asks for help to close it, opens it again, asks for help to open it again, gets mad that I'm helping, opens it, closes it...

I have come to the conclusion that the people who design and manufacture toys do not have children, or they do and they just don't spend much time with their children. They definitely do NOT clean up after children, and therein lies the problem.

Santa, you need to knock up your wife. And since you only work one day of the year, you should be the house bitch. Reproduce. Clean up the mess of reproduction. Then design your toys.

Until then, these are the toys that are my arch nemesis, and many other parents I'm sure will agree. Consider this a gift guide of what NOT to get people's kids for Christmas unless you don't particularly like those people (your naughty list I assume because you do play favorites).



I'll be doing one on toys I'm getting my kids for Christmas, and a suggestive toys to get other people's kids.

Thank you Santa.

Sincerely,

Dribbles N Grits



NOTE: It has come to my attention that Baby Sideburns has a similar list that she posted a year before this. I had no idea. I said I think other moms would agree somewhere, maybe just a draft, but I did say it, and I guess I'm right. I feel that this just strengthens my argument. So, if you need proof of what I'm saying here, check out Baby Sideburns at http://www.chicagonow.com/baby-sideburns/2012/11/what-not-to-fing-buy-my-kids-this-holiday/

I swear I never read that blog until AFTER I posted this. I didn't even know she existed back then. It's uncanny how two minds think alike sometimes. I'm sure she agrees that Santa needs to be the house bitch for a while.


AND I forgot to mention, PUZZLES. Please don't buy my kid any fucking puzzles.

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Crumpets and Bollocks: Toys NOT to Get Kids as Gifts

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Toys NOT to Get Kids as Gifts

Dear Santa:
CC: family, friends, strangers, and asshole parents at the school who bring stuff to the party

I'm on my knees begging, pleading, that you show mercy for mom this year. If you must know what my children really want for Christmas, it's stuff like cardboard boxes, paper towel cardboard thingy, plastic bins, and really expensive electronics. These are what my kids play with regardless of the thousands of dollars invested in toys that get dumped all over the floor so that my child can play with the bin.

The Barbie dolls are all nude missing not only a shoe, but the entire dress, which is probably in the corner of their closet doused in old dried up crusty ketchup with some Playdough chunk stuck to the skirt. I have a huge pile of puzzle pieces belonging to 3 different puzzles waiting for me to take the time to put them together to separate them. All the little pieces to the Dora House are scattered about the house, and when they are all in one place with the actual Dora Doll House, my kid doesn't use them. She just opens the house, closes it, asks for help to close it, opens it again, asks for help to open it again, gets mad that I'm helping, opens it, closes it...

I have come to the conclusion that the people who design and manufacture toys do not have children, or they do and they just don't spend much time with their children. They definitely do NOT clean up after children, and therein lies the problem.

Santa, you need to knock up your wife. And since you only work one day of the year, you should be the house bitch. Reproduce. Clean up the mess of reproduction. Then design your toys.

Until then, these are the toys that are my arch nemesis, and many other parents I'm sure will agree. Consider this a gift guide of what NOT to get people's kids for Christmas unless you don't particularly like those people (your naughty list I assume because you do play favorites).



I'll be doing one on toys I'm getting my kids for Christmas, and a suggestive toys to get other people's kids.

Thank you Santa.

Sincerely,

Dribbles N Grits



NOTE: It has come to my attention that Baby Sideburns has a similar list that she posted a year before this. I had no idea. I said I think other moms would agree somewhere, maybe just a draft, but I did say it, and I guess I'm right. I feel that this just strengthens my argument. So, if you need proof of what I'm saying here, check out Baby Sideburns at http://www.chicagonow.com/baby-sideburns/2012/11/what-not-to-fing-buy-my-kids-this-holiday/

I swear I never read that blog until AFTER I posted this. I didn't even know she existed back then. It's uncanny how two minds think alike sometimes. I'm sure she agrees that Santa needs to be the house bitch for a while.


AND I forgot to mention, PUZZLES. Please don't buy my kid any fucking puzzles.

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