June Cleaver Ain't Shit

I’m sorry June, but see I don’t think you could keep up as a parent in this century. Let me tell you why us cyber moms are so 3008 and you are so 1950 and late…

Multitasking is for the weak

Fuck Multitasking. Moms today are omnipresent. We can be doing dishes and laundry, cooking dinner, teaching the kids something (possibly something useful), having multiple conversations (facebook, Skype and text messages) with people from all over the world while cleaning and kid chasing. I didn’t realize this really until a friend asked me what I was doing when the kids did something, and I was like, “well I was cooking dinner while paying the electric bill and doing a load of dishes cleaning up the kitchen a bit and I did take a break to fold laundry on top of the conversation we were having in chat….”  Then I thought about it further. Grocery shopping… While I’m at the store, I’m bargain shopping, meal planning, balancing the checking and making a budget on the fly, often teaching the kids some counting or something while chasing them throughout the store and often on the cell phone at the same time while thinking about what I plan to do when I get home, and while the kids are with me, I’m definitely going off on stupid parents and non-parents about making dumb ass comments about my parenting (we shop at Walmart so the assholes are always there, in herds). 

CPS wasn’t shit back in the day

Yeah bitch, your Cleaverish ways are no longer permitted by law if you want to keep your kids. The fact that you send them outside with no supervision before they are the age of 10 would get your kids taken away from you. I already looked through your house and saw a million safety hazards as your electrical sockets are not covered, your electrical wiring is completely outdated and your lead wiring is considered hazardous. I don’t see a fire extinguisher either, and that crib isn’t safe. You probably got some asbestos going too in that joint. Smoking around the kids is no longer considered cool, and those high fat, high starch home cooked meals are now considered unhealthy and if you got a fat kid, a form of child abuse. The Beaver also misses too much school and his immunizations aren’t up to date, and because he can’t concentrate, it’s medical neglect to not medicate him against your will. Do you even know where your kids are at this point? I mean talk about neglect.

Kids weren’t shit back in the day

Thanks to advances in education, the kids are getting smarter. Thanks to advances in technology, they are also more resourceful. Thanks to advances in medical science, they all suffer from psychological ailments before they are old enough to speak.  Yeah, your Cleaverish parenting approach would have those kids declaring mutiny and winning it in a matter of seconds. You would slit your throat if you had to babysit the spawns of today let alone raise them.  

You don’t have the skillz for it

Modern moms not only have to be able to lift over 50 pounds on a regular basis, but we also have to know some things as well. You have to be able to balance a checkbook because you can’t COUNT on a man to do shit. Other administrative skills also include being able to file taxes, fill out a shit ton of forms to enroll your kid in school or to homeschool, type at 70 plus words a minute, text at 50 wpm, use a fax machine, a word processor, the computer maintenance such as cleaning out cookies, defragging a hard drive and organizing electronic data…. You also have to operate other smart devices and have a basic understanding of the internet and multimedia. You have to be able to research and analyze empirical data if you want to be able to have a real conversation with your kid’s doctor who is trying to fuck you and your kids over just to bill your insurance. Do you even know how to give CPR?  Let’s not even get into the kids’ homework. In modern days, not only do you have to be able to operate your stove, you have to also know how to fix it and pay for it.

Women’s freedom was the cost to women’s liberties

Women now have jobs. Everything you did back in the day (cooking, cleaning, laundry…), women now have to do it in a quarter of the time you had for it.  In addition, the men no longer do anything useful. Women now also pay the bills, exercise (for strength and endurance), mow the lawn, fix and maintain the cars (bitch I bet you can’t even pump your own gas)….  We also wear pants, and for those of us who are lucky enough to have decent men worth keeping around, we now tell them what pants to wear, which is just another thing on the never ending to-do list.

I fully believe Miss Cleaver if you were able to travel to the future, you’d be white trash. You could not keep up on your best day, and the illusion women build of you as the perfect parent is just an illusion. You and your ways are now, like black and white television, archaic, no longer considered useful. Now put that in your skirt pocket for your next game of Bridge.