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Dribbles and Grits to Crumpets and Bollocks: Can a Mommy get her Bath Time too? I guess not :(

Can a Mommy get her Bath Time too? I guess not :(


My girl Jenny over at Holdin' Holden wrote a blog post today, or recently since it's like after midnight so that messes up the today thing, but she wrote about trying to take a shower. Love her work. Enjoy her stories. She's a hottie too so the imagining her nekkid was very fun.

Here's a quote from it...





There are things that non-parents would look at that we parents do that might seem.... odd. Perhaps even bordering crazy. To us- well, you have to make adjustments to just about everything, even if it doesn't even make sense to you and certainly wouldn't make sense to anyone else who didn't have to do it.

No one ever said having to taste baby food as an adult was pleasant (well, unless it's bananas or sweet potatoes. Nom.)- but if it will get food into a stubborn ass child's mouth and down the hatch- it has to be done. NO ONE ever set you up for physically having to help your kid take a crap... but if their ass is congested and they are screaming in pain- you will grab a shit; yes you will. You may hesitate, you may dry heave, you may NEVER tell ANYONE- but you will do it.  
 




You can see where this is going. Yes we as parents often deny ourselves basic hygiene because the kids come first, and sometimes sleep trumps shower. C'mon now, if all you got to yourself in a day was 4 hours to include your time to sleep, would you waste it on a shower? Pffff.


I shower after the kids are asleep usually. I do everything I can possibly do at this hour. The reason I can get away with this is that they are getting older and sleep better at night to where I'm getting more than 2 to 4 hours every 24 hours to myself. If you got kids who slept all night long early on, you are a lucky bitch; I want to rub you and make wishes. Mine still have some issues, like they aren't sleeping the whole night without waking up a few times like a normal baby, especially the 2 year old, and there are still nights where they will sleep in shifts. I said BETTER than before, which anything was better than before because they were sleeping in shifts to where someone was up 24/7 around the clock, for like years.

I try very hard to force all that on the husband because I already put in 5 years of the grave-yard shift, and when he bitches, I remind him how it's easier now and that I have as much sympathy for him as he has had for me in the last 5 years. Yes the shoe is finally on the other foot. Partly because I'm a bitch and I'm sadistically, maniacally enjoying this. The other part is because I have to. Long-term chronic sleep deprivation has finally taken its toll on me, like I now have Cataplexy (google it.. it's like seizures). If you had children under the age of 25 and people called you a whore over it, I will tell you they are wrong WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG. I could handle all nighters much easier in my 23 year old body than I can in my perpetual 29 year old body (and by perpetual I mean every year I celebrate my 29th birthday much like the Mad Hatter has tea). Any woman who has children young is WISE!

Back to the shower... Even with the husband home, I end up with an audience constantly moving my shower curtain back so water gets all over the floor throwing a fit because they want to take a bath now, or they want a toy that's in the bath, or they want something out of reach, or they are fighting over something like closing the door, she won't stop looking at me, she's in my spot... Then I scream for the husband, and he's deaf, like the only way to get his assistance is to get out dripping wet, walk through the whole house, get to the Living Room and then YELL because just talking doesn't work either. The yell only gets pass his deafness. Then you have to get pass the manness by nagging and repeating yourself 3 times before he gets the major point. By then, I'm going off on him to where I'm amazed neighbors have yet to call adult protective services on me.

The sad thing is, I was trained by the military for this. I can shower in less than 2 minutes, less than 3 if I shave. Since momhood, adding the kids to the equation knocks it up to about 5 minutes if I'm trying to rush, but that's still not bad. 5 minutes though, that's all it takes for one to distract me and the other 2 to tear down curtains, sprinkle cheese and magic glitter everywhere, and the glitter is magic because I don't buy glitter, so I have no idea where the shit keeps coming from. Magical glitter fairy? Eh, at least the mess sparkles.

So yeah, I shower at night. Sometimes I still do in the day. I still sometimes scream for the husband like it will do something (it being the screaming or the husband). I still end up breaking up fights and stuff on my own. But if I'm going to shave places so that it's not as embarrassing in the event someone steals my pants, then I have to wait until nobody is here or everyone is asleep, just like I have to do if I want to eat something warm with some nutritional value to it. 

Now if showering wasn't in the stars for me for a couple days, these are my field hygiene techniques I use as I need them...

  1. Change your clothes (just to give the impression that you did the whole shower/shave/brush teeth routine)
  2. Hand Sanitizer isn't just for hands. Yes I smack that alcohol on other places of the body if I think it stinks, using common sense of course, like don't stick it up your ass crack or something. Perfect for boob sweat though.
  3. Victoria Secret Body Spray, all over including hair, my favorite being Love Spell (Strawberries and Champagne I used in basic training religiously, so it takes me there)
  4. Flushable Wipes Unscented. In my Orbitz Gum voice, "Dirty Crotch? Clean it up..." 
  5. Regular Wipes... If it's good enough for our soldiers, it might just work for us moms... I tend to use them if I get dirt on my knees or the bottom of my feet.
  6. Hair Accessories. Pony tails, the half ones, the claws, scarves... 
  7. Hair Odor, I use Catwalk Shine Spray just because I like how it smells. 
  8. Leg Hair, I just quickly go over the main spots with my razor dry. Sometimes I use the husband's electric razor/clippers. The fastest way though is to just wear pants.
  9. Make-up, I always use Olive Oil to remove it, and I barely wear make up.

Since this whole post was inspired by Miss Jenny, go check out her blog. She has a pretty awesome book too for sale. Go visit her Straight out of the Psycho Shower Scene-I need some back up 


BTW, I still dance nekkid in front of the mirror for a second EVERY time I shower. 

Labels: , , ,

Dribbles and Grits to Crumpets and Bollocks: Can a Mommy get her Bath Time too? I guess not :(

Friday, September 21, 2012

Can a Mommy get her Bath Time too? I guess not :(


My girl Jenny over at Holdin' Holden wrote a blog post today, or recently since it's like after midnight so that messes up the today thing, but she wrote about trying to take a shower. Love her work. Enjoy her stories. She's a hottie too so the imagining her nekkid was very fun.

Here's a quote from it...





There are things that non-parents would look at that we parents do that might seem.... odd. Perhaps even bordering crazy. To us- well, you have to make adjustments to just about everything, even if it doesn't even make sense to you and certainly wouldn't make sense to anyone else who didn't have to do it.

No one ever said having to taste baby food as an adult was pleasant (well, unless it's bananas or sweet potatoes. Nom.)- but if it will get food into a stubborn ass child's mouth and down the hatch- it has to be done. NO ONE ever set you up for physically having to help your kid take a crap... but if their ass is congested and they are screaming in pain- you will grab a shit; yes you will. You may hesitate, you may dry heave, you may NEVER tell ANYONE- but you will do it.  
 




You can see where this is going. Yes we as parents often deny ourselves basic hygiene because the kids come first, and sometimes sleep trumps shower. C'mon now, if all you got to yourself in a day was 4 hours to include your time to sleep, would you waste it on a shower? Pffff.


I shower after the kids are asleep usually. I do everything I can possibly do at this hour. The reason I can get away with this is that they are getting older and sleep better at night to where I'm getting more than 2 to 4 hours every 24 hours to myself. If you got kids who slept all night long early on, you are a lucky bitch; I want to rub you and make wishes. Mine still have some issues, like they aren't sleeping the whole night without waking up a few times like a normal baby, especially the 2 year old, and there are still nights where they will sleep in shifts. I said BETTER than before, which anything was better than before because they were sleeping in shifts to where someone was up 24/7 around the clock, for like years.

I try very hard to force all that on the husband because I already put in 5 years of the grave-yard shift, and when he bitches, I remind him how it's easier now and that I have as much sympathy for him as he has had for me in the last 5 years. Yes the shoe is finally on the other foot. Partly because I'm a bitch and I'm sadistically, maniacally enjoying this. The other part is because I have to. Long-term chronic sleep deprivation has finally taken its toll on me, like I now have Cataplexy (google it.. it's like seizures). If you had children under the age of 25 and people called you a whore over it, I will tell you they are wrong WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG. I could handle all nighters much easier in my 23 year old body than I can in my perpetual 29 year old body (and by perpetual I mean every year I celebrate my 29th birthday much like the Mad Hatter has tea). Any woman who has children young is WISE!

Back to the shower... Even with the husband home, I end up with an audience constantly moving my shower curtain back so water gets all over the floor throwing a fit because they want to take a bath now, or they want a toy that's in the bath, or they want something out of reach, or they are fighting over something like closing the door, she won't stop looking at me, she's in my spot... Then I scream for the husband, and he's deaf, like the only way to get his assistance is to get out dripping wet, walk through the whole house, get to the Living Room and then YELL because just talking doesn't work either. The yell only gets pass his deafness. Then you have to get pass the manness by nagging and repeating yourself 3 times before he gets the major point. By then, I'm going off on him to where I'm amazed neighbors have yet to call adult protective services on me.

The sad thing is, I was trained by the military for this. I can shower in less than 2 minutes, less than 3 if I shave. Since momhood, adding the kids to the equation knocks it up to about 5 minutes if I'm trying to rush, but that's still not bad. 5 minutes though, that's all it takes for one to distract me and the other 2 to tear down curtains, sprinkle cheese and magic glitter everywhere, and the glitter is magic because I don't buy glitter, so I have no idea where the shit keeps coming from. Magical glitter fairy? Eh, at least the mess sparkles.

So yeah, I shower at night. Sometimes I still do in the day. I still sometimes scream for the husband like it will do something (it being the screaming or the husband). I still end up breaking up fights and stuff on my own. But if I'm going to shave places so that it's not as embarrassing in the event someone steals my pants, then I have to wait until nobody is here or everyone is asleep, just like I have to do if I want to eat something warm with some nutritional value to it. 

Now if showering wasn't in the stars for me for a couple days, these are my field hygiene techniques I use as I need them...

  1. Change your clothes (just to give the impression that you did the whole shower/shave/brush teeth routine)
  2. Hand Sanitizer isn't just for hands. Yes I smack that alcohol on other places of the body if I think it stinks, using common sense of course, like don't stick it up your ass crack or something. Perfect for boob sweat though.
  3. Victoria Secret Body Spray, all over including hair, my favorite being Love Spell (Strawberries and Champagne I used in basic training religiously, so it takes me there)
  4. Flushable Wipes Unscented. In my Orbitz Gum voice, "Dirty Crotch? Clean it up..." 
  5. Regular Wipes... If it's good enough for our soldiers, it might just work for us moms... I tend to use them if I get dirt on my knees or the bottom of my feet.
  6. Hair Accessories. Pony tails, the half ones, the claws, scarves... 
  7. Hair Odor, I use Catwalk Shine Spray just because I like how it smells. 
  8. Leg Hair, I just quickly go over the main spots with my razor dry. Sometimes I use the husband's electric razor/clippers. The fastest way though is to just wear pants.
  9. Make-up, I always use Olive Oil to remove it, and I barely wear make up.

Since this whole post was inspired by Miss Jenny, go check out her blog. She has a pretty awesome book too for sale. Go visit her Straight out of the Psycho Shower Scene-I need some back up 


BTW, I still dance nekkid in front of the mirror for a second EVERY time I shower. 

Labels: , , ,

1 Comments:

At October 16, 2012 at 6:07 PM , Anonymous brenda said...

You rock. My daughter will be six next month, but I can still recall the days of no showers, and not even ten minutes to rest. You're hilarious and inspiring!

 

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